How to survive a divorce from your wife and move on with your life after divorce

If a wife wants a divorce, in most cases the men are to blame. It’s just that we women are extremely patient and a little dreamy: we dream of living long, happily and without parting, and then dying one day. Therefore, a man has every chance to save his family. But for this you need to work hard. Just try to listen and understand the woman.

How to survive a divorce from your wife

“You don’t really know a woman until you meet her in court.” With this quote from Woody Allen, let's look at the advice of psychologists to help a man survive a divorce.

Accept and let go

Divorce proceedings are not a problem for a man. The problem begins after it, for example, fear of loneliness, depression, financial problems. Any of the above can knock a man off his feet. Therefore, the most important thing is not to break. There is life after divorce!

Understand and accept two things: the support of true friends and acceptance of what happened. Divorce is not the end, but rather the beginning of something new.

See how women cope with divorce. They cry, calling their friends who come to them and cry with them. Funny, right? No, that's the best you can do. Release your grief and pain after a breakup. It is not necessary to cry, you can scream, howl or chop wood, the main thing is to “blow off steam”, remove anger and stress from the body, otherwise the heart will refuse to obey.

Therefore, do not hesitate to ask for support from friends or loved ones. Ask them to help you deal with your emotions. And trying to escape from reality by immersing yourself in alcohol, drugs, or immersing yourself in creativity, sports, or work is delaying acceptance of the inevitable - the marriage broke up, the wife left.

Don't make yourself a victim and stop whining

Considering yourself a victim, especially because of betrayal, there is a chance, firstly, to fall into total self-pity - a state that depresses, rather than motivates, to survive your wife’s betrayal and divorce.

Secondly, you can start cursing everyone who is supposedly to blame for the fact that the wife filed for divorce and left. While the goal of a real man after a divorce is to begin profound changes in himself, says psychologist Lobkovsky.

Therefore, give yourself time: a month, two or three to suffer “enough”, and then stop. Time to move on to other issues. Consider the divorce situation as a kind of “kick” that sobered you up, helped you come to your senses, throwing away the unreal image that you wanted to appear to be. (Advice from the article will help you with this: What kind of person should a real man be?)

The dissolution of a marriage after, for example, the betrayal of your life partner gave you the impetus to become the real you should be. Start digging deep inside yourself to understand who you are, what makes you happy and what do you really want from life?

Once you find the answers to these questions, set the right goals, and then start working towards achieving them. Thanks to this, you will achieve happiness in your new relationship. After all, your future life partner needs a real man who will be an inspiration and protection for her, and not a self-pitying man who accuses all women of lying.

Get rid of things that make you angry at your ex-spouse

Do you want to quickly start life from scratch? Then don't transfer things from your old life to your new one. If your financial situation allows you to remove anything from your home that reminds you of your past life or causes pain, then throw them away, sell them, or hide them in the deepest part of the garage. This will make it easier to get through all this.

If you are thinking about how to help your son survive a divorce from his wife or want to help a man you know, then share with him the advice from this article.

Take care of yourself

Do what you previously denied yourself as a married man. Make your old unrealized dream come true. Perhaps you wanted to study something, learn something, visit somewhere, or change your job to another, less prestigious, but more enjoyable one.

Filter your desires or preferences, removing any nonsense from them, and leave only those that can help you become a self-sufficient man in a short time. Now is the perfect time for you to dive into things that truly interest you. Learn to respect yourself today, if yesterday you just went with the flow, living a disgusting life.

Think about your health

Typically, health after a divorce process leaves a lot to be desired (eg stress, high blood pressure, headaches), so it's time to address it. Try to eat right, get enough sleep, and go to the gym. On the one hand, this will distract you from painful memories, and on the other, it will improve your physical condition.

Stop living in thoughts of revenge

This is a bad idea, because revenge sucks. Don't waste your energy seeking revenge. Do you want to change or become better or achieve something? Then do it for yourself, and not for your departed wife.

Remember from Dumas's novel about the Count of Monte Cristo, when the count took revenge on his enemies, he became a poor, lonely and sad man.

Wanting revenge, you continue to live for someone else, when you had the chance to live for yourself. So enjoy gradually improving yourself. And try to forgive your ex-spouse, and not live in thoughts of making your ex-spouse come crawling and belittling you to come back, realizing what she lost.

Work on Forgiveness

To many men, this advice may seem absurd. “Forgive me for what she did to me? Never!" These are natural reactions. But holding a grudge is the most harmful thing you can do to YOURSELF. It is unlikely that this can teach your ex-wife anything; rather, on the contrary: you are limiting yourself in being a happy and satisfied person.

In a divorce situation, forgiveness means that you no longer carry or accumulate anger, anger, but have not forgotten what happened. You just don’t have time for hatred anymore, even if you can’t fully understand what happened or what your wife was thinking when she cheated on you or left you.

This is the final stage of the journey to restore self-esteem.

Causes of all evils

Before you responsibly tell your significant other that she is no longer your significant other, think carefully. After all, often the reason for divorce can be a mere trifle. What could have hurt you so much that you thought about breaking your connection? If it's just fatigue and the so-called "habit", then all is not lost.

Many couples go through this period, and most of them live a happy life together after settling all the problems. In the end, everyone can get tired of each other when all the romantic periods are over and all that remains is to just live in the same area.

The solution here is simple - try to talk frankly. Together you can remember all the good and bright things that bind you together. Share your experiences and doubts. If your crush is not a hysterical person who divides everything into black and white, then this will help you avoid making a fatal mistake. If such a conversation begins to take the form of another quarrel or even a scandal, then it is worth “retiring” for a while.

Another point that needs to be thought through in advance is whether you personally still have feelings. Perhaps the woman herself will initiate the divorce. In this case, it is also necessary to determine what prompted her to make such a decision. If the marriage was based on truly deep feelings, and not “by chance,” then any problems can be solved. Even if it seems that the former flame of passion has already been irretrievably lost. Try to rekindle it, arrange a romantic date, prepare a surprise. Then there is a chance that you both will realize how stupid you were.

However, if the reason for divorce is valid, then you need to be firm in your decision. For example, constant betrayal, pathological bad habits, obviously inappropriate behavior and assault - all this makes no sense to endure. In the end, things could end up worse and you'll regret not taking the right step in time.

Why is it harder for men to cope with divorce?

Life after a divorce from your wife often gets worse. Psychologists and family counselors give a number of reasons why this happens:

The negative impact of divorce on men's health. This may be due to replacing good habits with bad ones, such as excessive use of tobacco or alcohol. Wives usually encourage their husbands to lead a healthy lifestyle. Without this positive influence, divorced men can quickly fall back into old, unhealthy habits.
When faced with difficulties, men are more emotionally dependent on their life partners than women, as they have fewer alternative sources of support. When asked “who would be the first person husbands would turn to for support when feeling depressed,” 71% chose their wife, while only 39% of women chose their husband.
Women cope with emotions after divorce much better. They find it easier to share their problems with other people and friends. Although they are usually in a worse financial situation than their husbands, marriage dissolution is often a springboard for their professional advancement.
It is not surprising that the initiators of divorce are most often women. Research conducted in 2009 shows that almost 70 percent of divorce cases were initiated by women.
Research conducted by Professor Stephen Jenkins (Chairman of the Council of the International Association for the Study of Income and Wealth) shows that men become richer after divorce. But Men's Health magazine notes that divorced men are more susceptible to heart disease, high blood pressure or strokes than married men.
Divorced men are 39 percent more likely to commit suicide after divorce and are more likely to experience alcoholism, weight gain and mental health problems. The reason for this is the male ego.
Men often feed their ego that the family rested only on him, so his sense of self-worth was associated with marriage. Divorce and an empty apartment ruins all this. The man begins to experience a loss of self-esteem. His ego rebels against the situation. It is his ego that causes him anger, depression, anxiety or despair.
Most often, the court grants custody of the children to the wife, who, out of revenge, limits the father’s ability to see them, believing that if he is no longer a husband, then he is no longer a parent. It’s hard for a man to put up with a question like this. Not being able to spend time with their children takes an added blow. This causes mental suffering or can trigger an identity crisis.
Divorce by mutual consent is always cheaper. But if it is not possible to reach an amicable agreement in a divorce, then in most cases the man must take care of the expenses: pay alimony, provide financial support.
When starting a new family, the financial burden for a man doubles. As a result, the standard of living to which husbands are accustomed decreases. This financial burden makes them more anxious and certainly weakens their well-being.
Representatives of the stronger sex do not seek help from others. It seems to them that if others recognize their feelings, then they will look pitiful and weak in their eyes. This inflating of emotions, as well as the demonization of men in a failed marriage, causes them to experience a storm of negative emotions.

The procedure for reconciled spouses at the stage of entry into force of the court decision

A court decision to terminate a marriage becomes valid after 30 calendar days from the date of its adoption. This time is given to divorcing spouses for a possible appeal. It is during these days that the spouse can file an appeal due to disagreement with the court’s decision. This complaint will be considered in a higher court, after receiving the divorce case, at a specially appointed new court hearing.

As judicial practice shows, it is extremely difficult to cancel a divorce decision already made by the court without compelling reasons and only on the basis of reconciliation of the parties. The main argument of the appeal court is “you should have thought earlier.” However, an experienced divorce lawyer can find such grounds (for example, the absence of the spouse at the trial for a good reason (illness), errors in the submitted documents, etc.). A professional lawyer familiar with all the intricacies of the law will help you understand and develop the right strategy for any specific situation.

Feelings of divorced men

The law is unfair. Wives often use children for their own economic gain because they are motivated by a desire for revenge or anger towards their ex-spouse.
Former marriage partners do not understand what it means to live away from children. It would be worth passing a law allowing children to spend more days with their father if he behaves adequately.
Often the ex-wife throws an economic stranglehold on her husband precisely when he really has no money. Sometimes it happens that there are some problems with creditors or there is no work, and the ex-wife does not want to listen to your excuses, demanding money. In these extreme cases, men believe an agreement must be reached without continued friction or suspicion.
Women believe that it is easier for ex-husbands to cope with divorce, because they do not have to constantly take care of children. This is not true. A man experiences the same sensations that a divorced woman experiences. For example:

sadness
depression
anxiety
stress
low self-esteem
guilt
feeling that the loss will never be overcome
fear of a new life, because he needs to learn to live alone.

This becomes the cause of serious male mistakes.

Procedure at the trial stage

The judge, acting in accordance with the legal norms of the Russian Investigative Committee, can give time for reconciliation of spouses up to 3 calendar months. This provision is provided by law so that spouses evaluate all possible consequences and decide on reconciliation. In each specific situation, the judge sets the length of the period based on the reasons for the future divorce, for example, the presence of common children, living conditions of family members, etc. Having assessed the situation, the judge may not give such a period at all or give it from the minimum possible to the maximum duration. The duration of this period can also be influenced by spouses who wish to reconcile.

If the spouses decide to reconcile within the period given by the judge for reconciliation or before or during the last court hearing, they should write a petition to terminate the proceedings. In other words, abandon the claim. This option is available only to the spouse who submitted the application. Based on the petition, the judge makes a decision and the marriage relationship is preserved. The decision taken comes into force within 15 calendar days. According to the Code of Civil Procedure of Russia (Article 221), the spouse who filed the divorce claim cannot apply with a similar document to the same defendant.

Common mistakes men make during divorce

Going through the process of divorce is usually not easy, as emotions make it difficult to make the right decisions. In order to behave with dignity, like a man, it is worth considering some common mistakes that men make during a divorce in order to learn not to repeat them:

Uncontrollable anger. The situation is always somewhat tense when the reason for divorce is infidelity. But anger, anger or the desire for revenge only interfere with the divorce process. Therefore, before making any decisions or in a conversation, it is important to be sober and restrained in words. (We recommend reading advice from psychologists on how to restrain your anger and control rage).

Passivity. Like anger, it is another common male mistake. If a man is manipulated by his ex-spouse during the divorce process, then he stands the chance of losing not only his property, but also his own respect.

Of course, divorce brings up bad thoughts, but it should not be confused with passivity. A man should try to be rational, making positive decisions for both parties.

Property division. Typically, marital property is disputed during a divorce by both spouses. It is not becoming for a man to try to take revenge on his wife when dividing property. It is best to divide fairly and taking into account the situation in which both parties remain.

Incontinence of tongue. Of course, during the divorce process it is difficult to remain calm and be smart so as not to stoop to the level of insults or threats, but being restrained is very important. Otherwise, incontinence will only interfere with the process, making it more difficult and slower.

Duration of divorce proceedings

The minimum duration of divorce proceedings in the magistrate's court for families with common children who have not reached the age of majority is 2 calendar months. After the plaintiff submits an application to such a court, the first hearing is scheduled 30 days or more later. If the application and package of additional documents are drawn up correctly and all controversial issues are resolved between the spouses, the decision on divorce will most likely be made during this court hearing.

The adopted court decision gains force 30 days after the trial, and this applies to both the magistrate and district court. During this period, one of the spouses can appeal. After the court decision comes into force, it is transferred to the registry office within three days. Each spouse can enter into a new marriage only after receiving a divorce certificate.

What not to do after divorce

Let's look at a few mistakes that you should avoid at all costs to improve your chances of a happy life as a man after divorcing your wife.

Digging into the past. Constantly replaying the past not with the goal of identifying one’s shortcomings that ruined the marriage, but with the goal of self-flagellation or developing hatred for the ex-wife is the self-destruction of a man as such.
Go out "hunting". One of the worst pieces of advice is to immediately after a divorce find a replacement for your departed life partner, or better yet, several replacements. In this way, it is unlikely that it will be possible to take revenge or dull the pain of loss. Rather, this will become an obstacle to finding a worthy woman and building a new relationship with her.
Try to isolate yourself from others. Sometimes you will want to be alone, to rethink something, but it would be a mistake to isolate yourself for a long time. Move away from your imaginary “comfort zone”, for example, going out with friends to relax and unwind.
Become a stalker. There is always a temptation to stalk your ex-life friend by stalking her on social media. But it is much easier for a man to survive a divorce from his wife if he blocks (deletes) his ex from all his social networks. Otherwise, after a few drinks with friends, you will be tempted to dig into your ex-wife’s accounts to find out who she lives with now and how? This trap only makes your thoughts worse and certainly won't improve your mood.
Tell “your story” to everyone. This means pushing away not only other people, but also friends, with your own hands. Who wants to deal with a whiner? Try to restrain yourself.
Go all out. Alcohol or drugs do not help you survive a divorce from your wife, but only aggravate the situation, developing an unhealthy addiction. If it is impossible to give up alcohol, then control the level of its consumption.
Humiliate yourself by belittling your wife to return. If she has a new family, then she should say goodbye to the past, forgive herself, try to forgive her and look to the future with optimism. Also think about your participation in what happened. Rarely, only one person is responsible for the breakdown of a family. Self-analysis of what happened will allow you to avoid the mistakes of your previous marriage in future relationships.

Alimony

Alimony is paid by the spouse who does not live with the child, directly to the child or to his legal representative (former spouse). They can be established either voluntarily by mutual consent of the parents or directly through the court.

If the father of the child does not want or cannot pay alimony of his own free will, then the mother is obliged to go to court. For the mother of a child who demands child support, the father's employer is required to provide a certificate of his income. The mother should only demand the original of the writ of execution; if she receives a copy, she has the right to demand the original. After receiving the writ of execution, it is necessary to calculate and withhold alimony. This is usually done by the court. For one child, one-fourth of the father’s income is withheld; for two children, one-third is withheld.

From what payments is alimony withheld?

Alimony may be deducted from an employee's wages, bonuses, vacation pay, rent received, and dividends.

What payments cannot be withheld from alimony?

Alimony cannot be withheld only from money paid as compensation.

How to build a relationship with your ex-wife

Perhaps you often have to cross paths with your ex-wife because you have common children. Therefore, pay attention to the advice of a psychologist on how to survive a divorce from your wife?

Keep a low profile. Try to discuss only important or necessary issues. When talking to your ex-life partner, keep it brief and preferably to the point. This helps keep the peace.
Avoid offensive language. Is she attacking you with her speeches? Then be even more reserved. Don't give in to her manipulation. Seeing that the conversation is becoming uncontrollable, simply stop it by saying something like this: “I will need time to think about your words. So we’ll come back to this conversation later.”
Separate your affairs from your ex-wife's affairs as much as possible. This applies to legal, financial or medical matters.

How to deal with children

Try not to let your children see you “falling apart.” At the same time, do not be harsh or cruel with them, as if they are to blame for your problems with your ex-wife. After all, you divorced your wife, and not your children, who are already having a hard time dealing with their parents’ divorce. (You can learn more about how to properly behave with children after a divorce by reading the article on this site).
Honest conversations with your child will ease his unenviable fate of living with divorced parents, and will also help him find his place in the new reality. Therefore, your priority after the divorce should be the desire to support the child. This is your investment for the future.
Don't add fuel to the fire by using your children to blame or argue with your ex-spouse. By doing this you will make their life even more unbearable.
Don't compensate for your absence with money. Many fathers feel guilty about the divorce, so they try to assuage their guilt with money or show love. This makes it difficult for some fathers to say NO to their children's economic needs. Try to understand that a child needs a father who does not give him everything he wants, but teaches him to achieve what he wants through hard work. This is how not consumers are raised, but purposeful people.

Conclusion

There is a reason why divorce is considered the second most stressful event in life, second only to the loss of a loved one. After it, your days will be different. Sometimes you'll wake up feeling great about your newfound freedom.

And sometimes, due to mood swings in the morning, the thought will drill into you: “How could it happen that we got divorced?” That's why you need to know how to survive a divorce from your wife and start moving on with your life? After all, life does not end after divorce.

Therefore, it is better to consider the dissolution of marriage as a kind of step towards personal freedom. Having freed up resources: money, time, energy, you can spend them on yourself personally.

We recommend watching the advice of Pavel Bagryantsev, who tells how men can survive a divorce and overcome further mental pain.

Which parent will the children live with?

In most cases, children live with their mother after divorce. However, there are cases where a court decision on this issue was made in favor of the father. The main criterion for making a court decision in favor of one of the parties is the interests of the children. If the living conditions for the children are the same, then each spouse has equal rights to live with the children.

The opinion of a child over 10 years of age may be taken into account by the court.

The main factors that the court takes into account when deciding with whom the children will live:

the desire of each of the common children, the relationship between them and their needs;
health and age of spouses;
the lifestyle that the mother and father lead (availability of work; bad habits, etc.);
the ability to provide quality care, education, and other circumstances are taken into account.