Recommendations on how to speak correctly in court when divorcing a husband and wife

An approximate procedure for divorce in court is as follows:

1. One of the spouses draws up a claim and sends it to the court at the place of his permanent registration or at the registration of the defendant. When the application is accepted, a date for the first meeting is set (no earlier than a month after the application).
2. At the first meeting, the judge finds out the attitude of the spouses to the divorce, the reasons, and the possibility of preserving the family. If both spouses agree to divorce and they have no disputes regarding property or children, the claim must be satisfied. But if the husband/wife does not want to separate, then they will be assigned a probationary period, after which, if there is no improvement in the relationship, the court will decide on a divorce.
3. The judge issues a decree on divorce and, after 30 days, sends the document to the registry office. The spouses receive divorce papers.

If both parties involved in the dissolution of the family union do not appear at the process, then it is considered that they decided to maintain the relationship. When one of the spouses does not show up, the meeting is postponed.

My history

My first marriage was a mistake. We were a dancing couple, falling in love, unplanned pregnancy, registry office. The usual story. We were connected only by dancing, and after the birth of the child we had to forget about them completely. But I believed that our boat of love should stay afloat no matter what.

The marriage lasted five years, during which I periodically thought about divorce. Sometimes out loud. But determination was lacking. Largely because outwardly everything was normal: we almost didn’t quarrel, we weren’t in poverty, our lifestyle stabilized over the years, the child was growing up. But there was nothing in common either.

I'm lucky. I met the man of my dreams and over time I realized that if I wanted to be with someone, it was only with him. But if it doesn’t work out, then I can no longer live in an empty relationship. Even if we had not met, I would still have come to the same decision, but later. There were calls.

How to tell your wife about this

After the preparatory stage, it is worth moving on to decisive action. It is undesirable to delay voicing a decision, as this will make the process even more painful. Here are the main rules for men:

• you need to do it confidently;
• be sure to voice arguments and reasons;
• It is worth emphasizing that the decision is final.

It’s worth starting the conversation by voicing a solution. After this, the man should explain the reasons for wanting to end the marriage. It is also important to listen to your spouse’s opinion on this matter, but not to give her arguments the opportunity to influence your decision. It is important to avoid reproaches and accusations. Divorce is a painful event. Reproaches will only increase the traumatic effect of the message.

A man should also voice his vision of the relationship with his ex-wife, discuss the possibility of financial support, and issues related to raising children. If we can resolve all this peacefully, without involving the court, then it’s worth trying to come to an agreement.

We must not forget about the positive aspects that were in the marriage. To part ways gracefully, a man should thank the woman for the years they lived together and all the good things that happened in them. This approach will allow you to part without mutual offense and even, perhaps, remain friends.

We stopped talking to each other

At first we chatted a lot: where you studied, what you do, how you look at the world, who your parents and friends are, what music you listen to, what books you read, what films you prefer to watch. At the dating stage, there is always something to talk about.

But over time, the topics exhausted themselves. It became clear to both that there was nothing to discuss. Just like in the movie “What Men Talk About,” when Camille reads a text message from his wife: “Toilet paper. Bread. Milk".

Sometimes the conversation turned to views on life values. And here another problem arose. My husband is five years younger than me, and I turned out to be too experienced a partner for him in almost all areas of life. As a result, there was no dialogue - it was more like consultations. My husband was a smart and grateful listener, but I was getting more and more bored.

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Conclusion

Communication is the main component of any relationship.

Most of the time you communicate. And it should be enjoyable for both of them.

If your partner looks into your mouth, and you spend your life raising children, over time you may get tired of it. If you are always in the position of an obedient student, someday you will want independence.

Communication should be mutually enriching. You should have a similar cultural background that you can build on together. When one person constantly drags the other one along, or when people go their separate ways, vital chatter gradually disappears.

We tried to be away from home more

We spent most of our time apart, but somehow we didn’t want to be together. It was normal for my husband to come after 9-10 pm. I fell asleep calmly when I put the baby to bed. We could barely meet until the weekend.

Everyone also spent Saturday and Sunday in their own way. I walked with my son and tried to meet with friends. My husband spent time on his laptop: studying, working, movies, games.

I used to tug at him and ask him to spend time with me. He reluctantly agreed. Then I left him alone. I myself felt more comfortable this way.

My husband took up a hobby - archery. I became interested in pole acrobatics. As a result, we scored ourselves five evenings a week of separate leisure time.

The next distance was vacation. Everyone rested on their own and considered this the norm. We convinced others that it was easier and cheaper. That's true, but we wanted to travel without each other.

Conclusion

When the atmosphere in the house is depressing, you subconsciously look for an opportunity to be there as little as possible.

Go to work earlier, stay late, respond to any offers to meet with friends, come up with a hobby that takes up all your free time. Your spouse silently supports your absence. You leave when everyone is still sleeping, come back and everyone is already asleep.

The problem is not in the mode itself. The problem is that both of you are okay with it.

Parents' reaction

Parents, worried about the future of their children and the well-being of their grandchildren, are also in emotional shock, which can push them to various attempts to somehow influence the situation: suggestions that the divorce decision was wrong, increased calls and visits, manipulation of their grandchildren:

Tell your dad/mom not to leave

demonstration of loss of strength, exacerbation of chronic diseases, use of emotional violence in the form of a “boycott”.

Sex became less and less frequent

During pregnancy and especially after childbirth, my sexual appetites diminished to zero. This is largely due to how my life changed; there was no time for love. But then, when everything stabilized, I realized that I did not feel attracted to my husband. And it wasn't about him.

He was a good lover and knew exactly where and how to stroke me to make me tremble with delight. His sexual impulses always let me know that I was desired.

But I still felt that I did not experience emotional intimacy, so I often refused him, citing fatigue and getting up early. The amount of sex dropped to once a month. I perceived it as a marital duty and in 9 cases out of 10 I tried to end it as quickly as possible. It was nice, but unnecessary.

Conclusion

In a healthy relationship, the quantity and quality of sex suits both. There are couples for whom intimacy once a month is enough, but for some, six times a day is not enough. But if you constantly send your partner with the words “I want to sleep, let’s not tonight,” something is going wrong.

Legal side of the issue

Is divorce inevitable? Be prepared for the fact that the divorce procedure may take a long time. Divorce will be easy if good relations remain, there is nothing to divide.

If there are children, only the court will divorce. Is the property divided without outside help? The court must determine the procedure for communication with the child and the issue of child support.

Have you come to a conclusion that is contrary to the family code? To avoid misunderstandings later, the court will record the agreement.

Divorces are conventionally divided into groups

:

• The couple has no claims on their acquired property and has no children.
• There are children, but there are no mutual claims.
• The couple cannot come to a mutual agreement.

We stopped being interested in each other

With a generally caring attitude, I stopped immersing myself in my husband’s life; it no longer interested me.

One day my husband got sick and went to the hospital; he had to have an operation. I visited him only twice during my 14 days in the hospital. For the first time I brought documents, things and food. The second time I came after the operation. When he asked if I would come again, I was sincerely perplexed: “Do you need to bring something? What should I do there, hold your hand? I have a lot of things to do, I can’t.”

It's a shame. And I was offended when I returned from the traffic police exam with a driver’s license after 10 hours of stress, and my husband only said: “Cool, well done. Will you pick up your child from kindergarten tomorrow?”

Conclusion

Lack of immersion in the life of a partner, support, warmth is not revenge, but banal indifference, for which one cannot be blamed.

Feelings are either there or they are not. And they cannot be faked.

Indifference is a sign that the relationship is over, only functions remain: earn money, look after the children, maintain order in the house, cook food. This is not how spouses live, but roommates or bedmates.

We quarreled with anger

My ex-husband and I have non-conflicting characters, so dishes in our house never broke. However, sometimes quarrels arose, and we tried to hurt each other more painfully, to accuse each other of something.

Sometimes the squabbles ended with me talking about divorce. One day my husband really began to pack his things. I cried and ran to the kitchen. I’m sobbing, and thoughts are spinning in my head: “How am I now? So, get up at 7:15, take the child to kindergarten.”

We separated not on that day, but later. But the way we fought and what we were trying to achieve clearly signaled that it was time to separate.

Conclusion

Unhealthy relationships lack caring and acceptance of each other's emotions. We behave coldly and instead of resolving the conflict, we are looking for something else to remember.

Healthy relationships also have arguments. Everyone is different and views the world differently, so disagreements are normal. But in the conflicts of a happy couple there is always a goal to make peace.

What do I want to get out of a quarrel? Sleep separately? No talking for three days? Or do I want to live a happy life with this person? If the latter, then even in righteous anger you will choose your words and try to talk about your feelings.

How not to speak

Telling your wife you want a divorce in a fit of emotional heat, and then regretting the impulsive decision is the worst-case scenario. Do not rush to voice thoughts about a breakup. There are other prohibited techniques that are undesirable to use:

1. It is dangerous to start a conversation with reproaches. If you already have a firm decision to end the relationship, there is no point in criticizing the mistakes of the past. This is not constructive.
2. You cannot develop a conversation in a state of strong emotional intensity. It will end in a quarrel.
3. It is forbidden to start a conversation about separation in front of witnesses. This dialogue must take place face-to-face, only in this way will it be possible to reach a compromise and reach an agreement.
4. The breakup message should not be rushed. To talk about the upcoming separation, you need to choose a time when both partners are free from business.

Each person is unique, so the approach should be sought based on the personal characteristics of the wife. You need to choose a method that will allow you to negotiate the separation constructively and calmly. It is advisable to undergo psychological consultation before this. A specialist will help you develop the most appropriate strategy. For a man who doesn’t know how to tell his wife about a divorce, timely advice from a psychologist will be a lifeline and help him not to delay the breakup.

I began to dream about what my life would be like without my husband. And I liked it

If you're feeling afraid about a breakup, imagine that what you're afraid of has already happened. What will you do about it?

This is necessary for the brain to develop an action plan and calm down. Not only will you stop worrying, but you will also understand how to lay down straw in case of misfortune.

I was afraid too. How will I live if I get divorced? I will be left with a child and a million financial difficulties. What will i do? And in 10 minutes my brain drew the following plan:

• Rent out your existing apartment.
• Rent an apartment within walking distance from the kindergarten.
• Transfer all of your child’s classes to kindergarten so as not to have to travel around the city.
• Transfer work to remote mode and collect orders so as not to waste time and money on travel.

I developed an understanding of my actions in case of divorce. Now we need to think about how to approach this. What emotions does the thought-up plan of action evoke? Do you want to live such a life?

If the answer is no, all is not lost. If the answer is “yes,” then congratulations, you will soon get rid of the oppression of unnecessary relationships and become freer and happier.

I suddenly realized that I liked my plan. I will spend more time with my son, without being distracted by my husband and without worrying that they are not communicating much. At that moment our family fell apart.

Conclusion

Try to imagine life after divorce. If you can’t, then you are not yet ready for such a step. If you can, but you don't like it, you don't need a divorce. If you have presented and everything suits you, get a divorce.

Children's reaction

Children experience:

• fear
• alarm
• hatred
• offense
• guilt
• pity for an abandoned parent
• aggression towards his offender, try to stabilize the family system with their actions, conversations, persuasion, tears, demonstrative blackmail behavior (this can be especially pronounced in adolescents: running away from home, drinking alcohol, becoming computer addicted, self-harm)

And here it is important to be close! Convey your love to your child through words and actions.

Is it possible to save a problematic relationship?

You can save a relationship if both want it. But their dream is not to save the family, but to stay with their partner. Saving your family is about decency in the eyes of others and an abstract sense of duty. And the desire to be with a loved one is about a personal, conscious choice.

It happens that people simply do not know how to communicate and live together without destroying each other. Some have a hot temperament, others have problems with self-esteem. If you both feel bad, but without each other it’s even worse, then the problem is not in the choice of a partner, but in the quality of communication.

Read books on relationship psychology

"The Paradox of Passion" by Dean Delis and Cassandra Phillips

A book about imbalance in relationships, when one loves and the other not so much. From it you will learn where love disappears and why this happens, who the strong and weak partners are, and how to resolve conflicts correctly.

The book will be useful for weak partners who feel dependent on their other half and believe that the relationship rests only on them. You will understand why your partner is less and less attracted to you and learn how to become stronger, restore harmony and self-sufficiency.

The book will help the leading people in a couple to figure out what happened in the relationship and where the former love and passion went. You will begin to better understand your partner's motives and learn how to help him become more independent and calm and stop holding you near him.

Buy on Litres.ru

"The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman

A book about different forms of manifestation of love. Some feel love through time spent together, and some through physical care and assistance. For some, small but frequent gifts bring ecstasy. In total, the author identifies five types: time together, help, encouragement, touch and gifts.

Look among them for yourself and your soul mate. You may want to learn to love your partner in the way that pleases him best. The book will be useful to everyone who needs good relationships not only with a loved one, but also with other people.

Buy on Litres.ru

"Games People Play" by Eric Berne

The point of the book is this: people tend to play social games. There are simple stroking games that are known to everyone and accepted in society. For example, I came back from vacation, and you ask how I spent it.

There are more complex and dangerous games - scenarios. A person unconsciously looks for his script and plays it out. They are ingrained in us from childhood and can be good (become a doctor and save lives) and bad (saving the lives of others, not remembering yourself, burning out at work and dying at 35).

My scenario is that if you become pregnant, you definitely need to marry the child’s father, you can’t get a divorce - you need to raise a partner. I did not see any other options for the development of events and went straight towards this marriage, as if fulfilling a program. Only five years later I asked myself: do I really want it? Do I need this?

Buy on Litres.ru

You can read more about dependent relationships in the article by psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky “Family therapy is a divorce.”

Go to a psychologist

Another way to harmonize relationships and life in general is to go to a psychologist. But it’s better not together, but separately.

Psychologists don’t tell you how to live or give valuable advice about the toilet lid. They ask questions, help you look at the situation from different angles, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and realize that something is wrong. You find the way out yourself.

Psychologists help to effectively cope with anxiety, fears and anger through various therapeutic practices, such as art therapy or sand therapy.

As a result, you will no longer be affected by your spouse’s unpleasant behavior, and you will learn to be happy and stable.

After this you will have two options:

• your harmony will have a positive impact on your partner, relationships will improve;
• you will realize that you no longer need this relationship, and you will soon separate.

When it's time to sound the alarm, why do you need to do it on time?

If several signs of an imminent ending appear, you should take measures to help your partner and yourself, return happiness and warmth to the relationship, and prevent the breakup of a couple or family. Becoming more attentive and caring towards your partner, adding variety, coming up with a trip together - it doesn’t require much effort, and the relationship will sparkle with new colors.

If separation is inevitable, it is necessary to protect yourself from a sudden proposal of a break, which can unsettle a person for a long time.

Situations in which a couple is doomed to divorce

In some cases, it becomes obvious that the union or marriage has outlived its usefulness and will soon be over.

1. Lack of respect for the partner as an individual, neglect, ignorance.
2. Physical danger, abuse, moral abuse of a partner, children.
3. Dependence on alcohol, smoking, and other addictions that the partner does not strive to overcome.
4. Lack of work, unwillingness to solve serious issues.
5. Personality disorders or similar character traits: selfishness bordering on narcissist syndrome, pathological jealousy.
6. Relationships are perceived as a heavy burden. Vivid feelings have disappeared, together it feels bad, but being alone feels unusual and scary.
7. Regular cheating.
8. The pain of betrayal, the inability to forgive.

In what cases can an alliance not be broken?

Before making an important decision, it is necessary to analyze all aspects, pros and cons , to decide what exactly to save and whether it needs to be saved. The following signs indicate the value of a relationship:

• compatibility of partners at the physical, emotional, intellectual level;
• sincere feelings;
• presence of children;
• financial stability;
• absence of bad habits;
• respect, care, lack of aggression.

When the only option is divorce

My first marriage became for me something like chickenpox, after which the body forever acquires immunity. Was this marriage a failure? Yes, I was. Did I need such a relationship? Yes, we do.

We always attract only the right people. We learn next to them. And if we learn a lesson, we become better. I needed a man with whom I could be a superwoman, to be proud of the burden of my life.

Then I grew out of these ideas, but the relationship itself did not change and ceased to suit me. And there was only one way out.

Talk

During the conversation, you need to maintain a calm and business-like tone. You should not bring up old quarrels, personal shortcomings - all this no longer matters. If your spouse is trying to provoke an open conflict, you should gently tell her that you want to break up while maintaining normal human relationships.

You shouldn't expect her to be as calm. Let him give free rein to his feelings, this is normal.

After she speaks out, perhaps screams or cries, you can say how sorry it is that this step is so painful, but at the same time necessary.

You need to carefully select your words so that there is nothing like “it seems to me,” “maybe,” “probably,” and other phrases that show uncertainty. Some girls in such a situation are clinging to air and a careless word will give unnecessary hope.

If your wife does not make contact, you can communicate your decision in a letter, but this is a last resort.

Divorce is not a sentence, but work on mistakes

We were not and could not be happy together. This is no one's fault. My ex-husband is a wonderful person, decent, smart, attractive, he dances wonderfully. I treat him well and wish him happiness from the bottom of my heart. I didn’t want to hurt him at all, although I understood that divorce would be a tragedy for him. However, I didn't shine around him and eventually I stopped trying.

For me, there was only one option - to separate. Of course, it’s a pity for the effort and time invested in the relationship. I was worried about my ex-husband, I was worried about how the divorce would affect the child.

I was not ready to sacrifice myself out of politeness and regrets about the past, because this would not make anyone happy.

If you've been walking somewhere for a long time and suddenly realize that you've been walking in the wrong direction all this time, you have two options: turn back or deliberately continue walking in the wrong direction.

Divorce is not a disaster; people don’t die from it. Divorce is about working on mistakes. I admitted my mistake, forgave myself for it and happily move on with my life.

If there is a child in the family

When resolving your issues, we must not forget about the innocent, and at the same time, injured party - the children. If possible, it is best to communicate your decision to divorce together. During the conversation, it must be said that even after a divorce, both remain parents and will love and care for them.

Some time after the incident, assure them that it is not their fault. Most likely this will need to be done more than once. Children feel part of both parents, so you should not speak badly of their mother.

Parental divorce is a serious trauma. To reduce the risk of consequences, you should seek help from a psychologist. Perhaps his participation will be needed from time to time over several years.