The topic of divorce has become too relevant in recent years. The world is changing a lot, and yesterday's requirements for family and marriage no longer withstand the onslaught of today's reality. There are many couples who fill up the world statistics of divorced couples with good reason, but there are also those who, in haste and emotion, make an unreasonable decision to get a divorce. Tatyana Podolskaya, a practicing psychologist, talked about how to understand that it’s time to get a divorce, and is it worth doing?
My history
My first marriage was a mistake. We were a dancing couple, falling in love, unplanned pregnancy, registry office. The usual story. We were connected only by dancing, and after the birth of the child we had to forget about them completely. But I believed that our boat of love should stay afloat no matter what.
The marriage lasted five years, during which I periodically thought about divorce. Sometimes out loud. But determination was lacking. Largely because outwardly everything was normal: we almost didn’t quarrel, we weren’t in poverty, our lifestyle stabilized over the years, the child was growing up. But there was nothing in common either.
I'm lucky. I met the man of my dreams and over time I realized that if I wanted to be with someone, it was only with him. But if it doesn’t work out, then I can no longer live in an empty relationship. Even if we had not met, I would still have come to the same decision, but later. There were calls.
Ambiguous answer
The most important advice to anyone who is stuck and doesn’t know whether he should get a divorce or not is don’t look at others. Each individual family situation is special. You can’t take an example from someone else in this matter. Some, after such a decision, begin a radically new life and are happy that they have freed themselves from the oppressive shackles of marriage. Others lose themselves, sink to the bottom, never adapting to a lonely existence.
Nowadays, a universal recommendation is increasingly heard (both from psychologists and ordinary users): if there is no love, you should not tolerate each other just for the sake of the child - you should definitely get a divorce. In fact, in such a situation one cannot give such unambiguous advice. No one knows how the relationship in such a couple will develop in a year, in 5 years, in 10. There are cases when reciprocity arose again years later, on the basis of respect and difficulties experienced together. But when people get divorced, they feel guilty, worry about their children, and develop neuroses and depression.
As for children, no one can give a definite answer either. It is often argued that the child feels that the parents do not love each other, he is burdened by this and does not want them to live only for his sake. Believe me: if he is not yet 10 years old, none of this works. No matter what the baby intuitively feels, he will never want mom and dad to separate.
With teenagers, too, not everything is as simple as it might seem at first glance. Yes, they already understand much more, they are beginning to understand interpersonal relationships. And they may even react to their parents’ announcement of divorce with the following phrases: “I don’t care,” “Yes, of course, get a divorce, why bother,” “I understand everything,” “I will accept any of your decisions.” However, in most cases, behind them lies only bravado, a desire to seem like an adult. But in their hearts they worry very much. Their inner world is collapsing, they are afraid of the situation of choosing who to stay with. Against the backdrop of the age-related teenage crisis, this is fraught with the formation of new complexes, exacerbation of youthful maximalism, deviant behavior, problems with studies and even suicide attempts.
Therefore, you should not ruin your marriage just because everything turned out great for your neighbor after her divorce from her husband, she married an Arab sheikh and lives in a marble palace on the ocean coast. Things may turn out completely differently for you. There is no need to try on someone else's dress in such an important matter.
We stopped talking to each other
At first we chatted a lot: where you studied, what you do, how you look at the world, who your parents and friends are, what music you listen to, what books you read, what films you prefer to watch. At the dating stage, there is always something to talk about.
But over time, the topics exhausted themselves. It became clear to both that there was nothing to discuss. Just like in the movie “What Men Talk About,” when Camille reads a text message from his wife: “Toilet paper. Bread. Milk".
Sometimes the conversation turned to views on life values. And here another problem arose. My husband is five years younger than me, and I turned out to be too experienced a partner for him in almost all areas of life. As a result, there was no dialogue - it was more like consultations. My husband was a smart and grateful listener, but I was getting more and more bored.
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Conclusion
Communication is the main component of any relationship.
Most of the time you communicate. And it should be enjoyable for both of them.
If your partner looks into your mouth, and you spend your life raising children, over time you may get tired of it. If you are always in the position of an obedient student, someday you will want independence.
Communication should be mutually enriching. You should have a similar cultural background that you can build on together. When one person constantly drags the other one along, or when people go their separate ways, vital chatter gradually disappears.
Bad habits
Both significant (alcoholism, gambling, drug addiction) and minor (throwing things around, listening to loud music) problems pose a danger to family life. If everything is clear regarding alcohol addiction and other serious problems, then less significant issues are usually ignored.
As an example, the famous TV series colorfully shows the moment when the heroine was annoyed by the tea bags that her husband left in different parts of the apartment. Such little things, when accumulated, also negatively affect the safety of family life.
Tyranny
This includes all types of domestic violence, including physical and emotional. Statistics show that the vast majority of tyrants are men. Since in Russia it is not customary to discuss one’s problems with specialists, the main witnesses to family conflicts are neighbors, relatives and friends.
There is a victim syndrome on the part of a woman who thinks that she deserves the way her husband treats her and that this is the norm. Children most often suffer from abuse in the home, but other family members do not have protection from the criminal actions of mentally unstable relatives. This is a situation where you should get a divorce.
Personal
At the heart of every divorce is the unwillingness of one spouse to continue the relationship. At the same time, there is a possibility that even at the stage of divorce there is a candidate for the role of husband or wife.
A separate reason can be identified as a conflict with the relatives of the other half. More than one marriage has been destroyed by the efforts of overly active mothers (mother-in-law or mother-in-law).
We tried to be away from home more
We spent most of our time apart, but somehow we didn’t want to be together. It was normal for my husband to come after 9-10 pm. I fell asleep calmly when I put the baby to bed. We could barely meet until the weekend.
Everyone also spent Saturday and Sunday in their own way. I walked with my son and tried to meet with friends. My husband spent time on his laptop: studying, working, movies, games.
I used to tug at him and ask him to spend time with me. He reluctantly agreed. Then I left him alone. I myself felt more comfortable this way.
My husband took up a hobby - archery. I became interested in pole acrobatics. As a result, we scored ourselves five evenings a week of separate leisure time.
The next distance was vacation. Everyone rested on their own and considered this the norm. We convinced others that it was easier and cheaper. That's true, but we wanted to travel without each other.
Conclusion
When the atmosphere in the house is depressing, you subconsciously look for an opportunity to be there as little as possible.
Go to work earlier, stay late, respond to any offers to meet with friends, come up with a hobby that takes up all your free time. Your spouse silently supports your absence. You leave when everyone is still sleeping, come back and everyone is already asleep.
The problem is not in the mode itself. The problem is that both of you are okay with it.
Warning signs in the behavior of a wife/girlfriend
When a partner indulges in thoughts of separation or has made a decision, but is not ready to voice it, there are some signs that an attentive man will understand that the relationship is coming to an end.
Provoking quarrels
Sometimes the reason is accumulated irritation. In other cases, a woman provokes conflicts, pushing a man to outbursts of aggression. After strong words from his mouth or the use of force, there will be a reason to break off the relationship.
Indifference, coldness, boredom sets in
The girl or wife becomes indifferent to what is happening , does not show her characteristic warmth, her gaze becomes dull. If there is fire in the eyes, most likely it is caused by another man.
A woman is burdened by her partner's company
More joyfully spends time with a friend, watching TV series, on the Internet. Hints appear, requests to leave alone, not to interfere.
Lack of joint activities
The partner avoids doing anything together . Partners spend time only according to their interests.
Changing the manner of communication
The intonation reveals disdainful notes, familiarity, and disrespect. The beloved stops addressing her partner with a diminutive name, and sometimes starts calling him by his last name.
Stops holding onto spouse/boyfriend
Avoids going to the movies or going for walks together . Does not ask questions when the partner is going to meet friends or go fishing. This sign is not always alarming; in women closer to 40, it means maturity and respectful attitude towards their partner.
Lack of intimacy, physical contact
A girl or wife does not strive for intimate relationships, simple manifestations of warmth and care become rare, kisses and hugs disappear. This behavior does not always mean betrayal. A woman may simply lose interest in a particular partner.
Signs of betrayal appear
- Late returns from school or work.
- Hasty trips to the shower after arriving home.
- Frequent long business trips.
- Avoiding eye contact.
- Refusal to take boyfriend/spouse to a corporate event or meeting with friends.
- Silence, reluctance to communicate.
- Spending a lot of time online, texting.
- Changing your profile photo on social networks (the shared one has been deleted).
Sex became less and less frequent
During pregnancy and especially after childbirth, my sexual appetites diminished to zero. This is largely due to how my life changed; there was no time for love. But then, when everything stabilized, I realized that I did not feel attracted to my husband. And it wasn't about him.
He was a good lover and knew exactly where and how to stroke me to make me tremble with delight. His sexual impulses always let me know that I was desired.
But I still felt that I did not experience emotional intimacy, so I often refused him, citing fatigue and getting up early. The amount of sex dropped to once a month. I perceived it as a marital duty and in 9 cases out of 10 I tried to end it as quickly as possible. It was nice, but unnecessary.
Conclusion
In a healthy relationship, the quantity and quality of sex suits both. There are couples for whom intimacy once a month is enough, but for some, six times a day is not enough. But if you constantly send your partner with the words “I want to sleep, let’s not tonight,” something is going wrong.
Will you be ready to move on to new roles after divorce?
The question “Should I get a divorce?” Is twofold for couples who share children.
This is because even if you end your marriage, you and your ex will remain in each other's lives for years to come.
As you consider getting a divorce, ask yourself if you are ready to transition into the new role that your post-divorce life will bring—that of co-parent.
This will be a challenging new role, but one that your children deserve. So make sure you are prepared for this before moving forward and starting the divorce or legal separation proceedings in court.
Clinical psychologist Veronika Stepanova in the video examines the issue of divorce, and argues that there is no single exact answer to divorce or endure a relationship and no one will tell you exactly with whom you should maintain a relationship and with whom you should not. For some couples, some of their relationship features are the norm (taking into account mentality, religion, etc.), but for others the couples are categorically unacceptable.
Making the decision to divorce your husband or wife can be very difficult for some couples, but this decision should not be taken lightly, the main thing is to provide for options for the development of events, even if you save the marriage, what should you expect in 5-10 years.
Read more: Low and high self-esteem. How to find balance?
While there is no magic answer to how to know if you should get a divorce, here are signs that it may be time to take the next step and file for divorce.
We stopped being interested in each other
With a generally caring attitude, I stopped immersing myself in my husband’s life; it no longer interested me.
One day my husband got sick and went to the hospital; he had to have an operation. I visited him only twice during my 14 days in the hospital. For the first time I brought documents, things and food. The second time I came after the operation. When he asked if I would come again, I was sincerely perplexed: “Do you need to bring something? What should I do there, hold your hand? I have a lot of things to do, I can’t.”
It's a shame. And I was offended when I returned from the traffic police exam with a driver’s license after 10 hours of stress, and my husband only said: “Cool, well done. Will you pick up your child from kindergarten tomorrow?”
Conclusion
Lack of immersion in the life of a partner, support, warmth is not revenge, but banal indifference, for which one cannot be blamed.
Feelings are either there or they are not. And they cannot be faked.
Indifference is a sign that the relationship is over, only functions remain: earn money, look after the children, maintain order in the house, cook food. This is not how spouses live, but roommates or bedmates.
Is it worth saving the family?
When obvious signs of an imminent divorce are detected, the question arises: is it worth saving the family? You need to understand that problems appear sooner or later in any relationship. In the initial stages of their occurrence, the marriage can be saved.
Sometimes children serve as a reason for maintaining a relationship. In this case, there is no guarantee that there will be a positive atmosphere in the family. Preserving a marriage through force can aggravate the situation. The decision must be made on an individual basis.
We quarreled with anger
My ex-husband and I have non-conflicting characters, so dishes in our house never broke. However, sometimes quarrels arose, and we tried to hurt each other more painfully, to accuse each other of something.
Sometimes the squabbles ended with me talking about divorce. One day my husband really began to pack his things. I cried and ran to the kitchen. I’m sobbing, and thoughts are spinning in my head: “How am I now? So, get up at 7:15, take the child to kindergarten.”
We separated not on that day, but later. But the way we fought and what we were trying to achieve clearly signaled that it was time to separate.
Conclusion
Unhealthy relationships lack caring and acceptance of each other's emotions. We behave coldly and instead of resolving the conflict, we are looking for something else to remember.
Healthy relationships also have arguments. Everyone is different and views the world differently, so disagreements are normal. But in the conflicts of a happy couple there is always a goal to make peace.
What do I want to get out of a quarrel? Sleep separately? No talking for three days? Or do I want to live a happy life with this person? If the latter, then even in righteous anger you will choose your words and try to talk about your feelings.
Psychologist's advice
The most important thing that psychologists advise is to try to maintain a positive attitude in any situation. There are no mistakes, only experience. Everything that happened has made you stronger and wiser, taught you to understand yourself and people, make decisions and take responsibility.
The unknown is always scary, so women who are thinking about divorce often feel frightened, afraid and even despair.
Talk to your loved ones, understand that you will not be left alone with your problems. Support can come at the most unexpected moment. You shouldn’t rely too much on others, remember that it’s up to you to decide how to live further.
If possible, then try to part with your spouse on good terms, thank him for the pleasant moments and remember those moments that gave you both joy. Let each other go and wish each other luck.
I began to dream about what my life would be like without my husband. And I liked it
If you're feeling afraid about a breakup, imagine that what you're afraid of has already happened. What will you do about it?
This is necessary for the brain to develop an action plan and calm down. Not only will you stop worrying, but you will also understand how to lay down straw in case of misfortune.
I was afraid too. How will I live if I get divorced? I will be left with a child and a million financial difficulties. What will i do? And in 10 minutes my brain drew the following plan:
- Rent out your existing apartment.
- Rent an apartment within walking distance from the kindergarten.
- Transfer all of your child’s classes to kindergarten so as not to have to travel around the city.
- Transfer work to remote mode and collect orders so as not to waste time and money on travel.
I developed an understanding of my actions in case of divorce. Now we need to think about how to approach this. What emotions does the thought-up plan of action evoke? Do you want to live such a life?
If the answer is no, all is not lost. If the answer is “yes,” then congratulations, you will soon get rid of the oppression of unnecessary relationships and become freer and happier.
I suddenly realized that I liked my plan. I will spend more time with my son, without being distracted by my husband and without worrying that they are not communicating much. At that moment our family fell apart.
Conclusion
Try to imagine life after divorce. If you can’t, then you are not yet ready for such a step. If you can, but you don't like it, you don't need a divorce. If you have presented and everything suits you, get a divorce.
Bad relationship with my husband - what to do?
I am convinced that the most important thing for any person is to live and act in their own interests, making themselves happy. If you are happy, then the people around you will be happy. And if you suffer, then your loved ones will also suffer. But in our society it is very fashionable to label a person as “should”. People are accustomed to pushing their interests into the background and acting to please someone or something.
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And there is a lot of this noise around you with the word “should”. Everyone has their own “should”, so you need to throw it off your shoulders. Very often, women suffer in relationships because they have imposed obligations on themselves that they do not want to fulfill.
For example, you may feel that you owe it to your husband to cook—that is your responsibility as a wife. And he has his own responsibilities as a man, everything is fair and just, but it seems so only at first glance. You don’t owe anyone anything, you don’t even have to do what you don’t want (at least in your relationship with your husband).
Don't want to cook? - Please, you have every right to do this, you are not obliged to anyone. Don't want to make any more commitments? - Don't do it, spit on them.
Do you know how dangerous a situation is when one of the partners in a relationship does not do what he wants, but what he should? This leads to nervous irritation, stress and short temper. And so you make some kind of commitment, as long as there is no conflict, but irritation begins to accumulate in you. Where then do you throw out this irritation? That's right, on my husband!
You either become aggressive towards him or begin to show coldness and indifference. Your relationship becomes strained, and both of you suffer from it. Therefore, it’s better that you don’t cook (do something you don’t like) than do it through gritted teeth, as long as there’s no conflict, and then walk around irritated.
What to do if your relationship with your husband becomes bad?
Step #1 - Stop doing things in the relationship that you don't like.
If you take this step, your relationship will already begin to change for the better. Men do not respect women who have obligations on themselves on all sides, and do what they do not want to do. Don't be afraid to say "No."
Step #2 - Variety
Very often, problems begin in relationships when emotional attenuation occurs. The person is no longer as captivating as before. You no longer feel crazy emotions for each other, and everything has become somehow gray and emotionless. But there are things you can do to reignite the passion in your relationship.
The main principle that helps revive emotions in relationships is change.
Everything we are used to doing every day turns into a routine. And routine does not evoke emotions. Emotions appear only when something new and unusual happens.
For example, you and your husband spend every weekend the same way: you go to Auchan for shopping or watch TV - it’s a routine, there are zero emotions. And to rekindle the spark between you, do the following: spend the weekend as you have not spent it before. For example, have a dinner together on the roof of your house or have a date with tents on the river bank. Changing the environment and context of your communication is a great way to inflame feelings.
The same principle applies to intimate life. If you usually have sex at home, then change the environment, make yourself a list of places where you would like to have sex, and then start implementing the plan. This will also improve your relationship as a couple.
Important! If at the moment your husband is simply behaving horribly towards you (for example, hitting, calling names, terrorizing, etc.), then there can be no question of any variety. When a man behaves disgracefully towards you, then you 100% need to break up. The recommendations that I gave above will be useful to people who have experienced emotional decay in a relationship, and not abuse.
I also recommend reading: Abuser in a relationship - who is it and how do they become victims? (Opens in a new tab)
Step #3 - Do something together
When people do something together or go towards a common goal, it brings them much closer together. You can come up with an activity or activity that you can do together. For example, you can go on a hiking trip, where you will have a common goal.
Or you can start playing with your husband on the same team against your friends, for example, billiards. Teamwork always unites.
Choose a joint business that you both like. Then you will not only become closer to each other, but also get great emotions from the process of playing or a new activity.
Important! There is no need to force a man to do anything if he doesn’t want to. These recommendations will only work if you both want to change something in your relationship.
Is it possible to save a problematic relationship?
You can save a relationship if both want it. But their dream is not to save the family, but to stay with their partner. Saving your family is about decency in the eyes of others and an abstract sense of duty. And the desire to be with a loved one is about a personal, conscious choice.
It happens that people simply do not know how to communicate and live together without destroying each other. Some have a hot temperament, others have problems with self-esteem. If you both feel bad, but without each other it’s even worse, then the problem is not in the choice of a partner, but in the quality of communication.
Read books on relationship psychology
"The Paradox of Passion" by Dean Delis and Cassandra Phillips
A book about imbalance in relationships, when one loves and the other not so much. From it you will learn where love disappears and why this happens, who the strong and weak partners are, and how to resolve conflicts correctly.
The book will be useful for weak partners who feel dependent on their other half and believe that the relationship rests only on them. You will understand why your partner is less and less attracted to you and learn how to become stronger, restore harmony and self-sufficiency.
The book will help the leading people in a couple to figure out what happened in the relationship and where the former love and passion went. You will begin to better understand your partner's motives and learn how to help him become more independent and calm and stop holding you near him.
Buy on Litres.ru
"The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman
A book about different forms of manifestation of love. Some feel love through time spent together, and some through physical care and assistance. For some, small but frequent gifts bring ecstasy. In total, the author identifies five types: time together, help, encouragement, touch and gifts.
Look among them for yourself and your soul mate. You may want to learn to love your partner in the way that pleases him best. The book will be useful to everyone who needs good relationships not only with a loved one, but also with other people.
Buy on Litres.ru
"Games People Play" by Eric Berne
The point of the book is this: people tend to play social games. There are simple stroking games that are known to everyone and accepted in society. For example, I came back from vacation, and you ask how I spent it.
There are more complex and dangerous games - scenarios. A person unconsciously looks for his script and plays it out. They are ingrained in us from childhood and can be good (become a doctor and save lives) and bad (saving the lives of others, not remembering yourself, burning out at work and dying at 35).
My scenario is that if you become pregnant, you definitely need to marry the child’s father, you can’t get a divorce - you need to raise a partner. I did not see any other options for the development of events and went straight towards this marriage, as if fulfilling a program. Only five years later I asked myself: do I really want it? Do I need this?
Buy on Litres.ru
You can read more about dependent relationships in the article by psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky “Family therapy is a divorce.”
Go to a psychologist
Another way to harmonize relationships and life in general is to go to a psychologist. But it’s better not together, but separately.
Psychologists don’t tell you how to live or give valuable advice about the toilet lid. They ask questions, help you look at the situation from different angles, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and realize that something is wrong. You find the way out yourself.
Psychologists help to effectively cope with anxiety, fears and anger through various therapeutic practices, such as art therapy or sand therapy.
As a result, you will no longer be affected by your spouse’s unpleasant behavior, and you will learn to be happy and stable.
After this you will have two options:
- your harmony will have a positive impact on your partner, relationships will improve;
- you will realize that you no longer need this relationship, and you will soon separate.
Leave your husband or endure it
A common situation is when a woman has been thinking about divorce for years, but changing the situation remains only in her thoughts. Taking responsibility and ending a difficult relationship can be difficult. As a rule, everyone has the same frightening thoughts.
Fear of being alone
Women have a natural desire to preserve the family hearth - to take care of others, to help and protect.
Psychological dependence takes years to form and it is unlikely that it will be possible to get rid of it quickly. A state of anxiety, depressive moods, loss of interest in life - all this is typical for people experiencing a breakup. It is especially difficult for those women who, during their relationship with their spouse, under his influence or through their own mistake, abandoned their own interests and limited communication with friends. Those who hid from the outside world behind the walls of an apartment treat separation as a real disaster, because they will have to relearn how to communicate with people and go on a journey through life on their own.
Try to tune in to a positive mood, do not lose your good mood and faith in yourself under any circumstances. Remember what you loved to do before marriage, gradually return to what used to give you joy. Then life will cease to be a monotonous repetition of routine affairs and will sparkle with new colors.
It is natural to be afraid; fear is fundamentally inherent in human nature. There is no need to be afraid of the prospect of being alone. It is much worse to spend life next to a person for whom love has passed.
Lost Time Trap
Some thoughts that arise in a woman before breaking up and that hold her back from making the right decision seem strange to others, to say the least.
“I spent my best years on him, and he...” - upset women often repeat this phrase in conversations with their friends. What's behind it? First of all, resentment towards oneself, because it is difficult to admit that a wrong decision was once made. Ideal people do not exist, no one is immune from mistakes. There is no need to regret missed opportunities, it happened and passed.
What will people say
Public opinion often keeps a woman from leaving a relationship. It's scary to be left without the support of others. Whispers behind your back and pitying glances only make the situation worse. Those who wish you well will support you in word and deed; the opinions of other “sympathizers” should not bother you.
When the only option is divorce
My first marriage became for me something like chickenpox, after which the body forever acquires immunity. Was this marriage a failure? Yes, I was. Did I need such a relationship? Yes, we do.
We always attract only the right people. We learn next to them. And if we learn a lesson, we become better. I needed a man with whom I could be a superwoman, to be proud of the burden of my life.
Then I grew out of these ideas, but the relationship itself did not change and ceased to suit me. And there was only one way out.
Have you already dealt with the emotions associated with divorce?
There is no doubt about this. Divorce brings up strong emotions.
Even if you're inclined to call it quits, you're likely dealing with all sorts of emotions—from hurt and confusion to guilt and anger, or maybe even relief.
If you are asking how to know if you should get a divorce or separation. The next important question is, are you managing the emotional aspects effectively so that you can make the important decisions that you will face? In the coming weeks and months.
If you need help processing these emotions in a safe place, a licensed counselor or therapist can help.
Divorce is not a sentence, but work on mistakes
We were not and could not be happy together. This is no one's fault. My ex-husband is a wonderful person, decent, smart, attractive, he dances wonderfully. I treat him well and wish him happiness from the bottom of my heart. I didn’t want to hurt him at all, although I understood that divorce would be a tragedy for him. However, I didn't shine around him and eventually I stopped trying.
For me, there was only one option - to separate. Of course, it’s a pity for the effort and time invested in the relationship. I was worried about my ex-husband, I was worried about how the divorce would affect the child.
I was not ready to sacrifice myself out of politeness and regrets about the past, because this would not make anyone happy.
If you've been walking somewhere for a long time and suddenly realize that you've been walking in the wrong direction all this time, you have two options: turn back or deliberately continue walking in the wrong direction.
Divorce is not a disaster; people don’t die from it. Divorce is about working on mistakes. I admitted my mistake, forgave myself for it and happily move on with my life.
Objective reasons for divorce
Each story is individual. Sometimes it’s worth fighting for a relationship and trying to get back what’s lost. But there are also completely different cases when it is necessary to file for divorce unilaterally without delay.
Physical violence
If a man raises his hand against you or your children, then you should not justify him.
Those who try to teach a lesson with their fists assert themselves by demonstrating their physical superiority. Women get used to both good and bad. And if the first assault causes special psychological pain, then subsequent cases begin to be taken for granted. It shouldn't be this way. Just think about how the psyche of a child is traumatized when he regularly sees his father’s aggressive behavior, does not feel protected at home, and constantly worries about his mother. Does your husband raise his hand to you? Leave without hesitation.
“He hits, it means he loves.” Where did this strange phrase come from? Philologists are at a loss. One of the entries made by priest Sylvester in the 16th century reads: “Beating the body, delivering the soul from death...” Probably, ordinary people interpreted the complex church text in their own way. Phraseologism turned out to be incredibly tenacious. It is strange that many centuries later, for most women, the behavior of a man raising his hand to her seems normal.
Moral violence
Violence can be not only physical, but also moral. Harsh words and caustic remarks cause unbearable pain, affecting self-esteem and mood. If you live with a despot who keeps the whole family in fear, then parting with him needs to be thought out in advance.
How to behave during a divorce
After much torment, the woman finally decides to divorce. How to behave correctly in order to survive this period and not traumatize children?
- You need to behave with restraint and calm, maintain composure and not give in to emotions. The decision to divorce has already been made; unnecessary insults or reproaches will not help anyone. In addition, you need to try not to quarrel with your husband for the sake of his future communication with his children.
- There is no need to pay attention to rumors. Perhaps your husband's relatives will speak unflatteringly about you, blaming you for everything. This is natural, they will protect their son, brother, grandson, that is, your almost ex-husband.
- There is no need to turn children against your spouse and discuss the details of the divorce process in front of them. The divorce will take place, the emotions will pass, and he will remain their father.
- We need to prepare for litigation. Situations are quite real when men behave in a completely unmanly manner during a divorce, when they have to share spoons and forks.
- If you cannot get a divorce amicably, you need to contact a lawyer. You can cry, make scandals, appeal to your conscience and manipulate children as much as you want, but only a lawyer can carry out this process correctly and competently.
Don't make a child a spy or an adult
Often parents push their child to play the role of a spy. In this case, mom asks him to find out who dad is communicating with and whether a woman lives in his apartment. And dad asks what grandma says about him and if a man comes to visit mom. It is understandable that ex-spouses want to find out details about each other, but they should not use the child for this. Even if you really want to.
The child shares the parents’ pain from the breakup, and during this period he also needs support. Instead, adults often violate the boundaries of parent-child relationships or want too much from children.
- When a mother tells her child the details of her father’s infidelities or expects sympathy and consolation, she communicates with the child as with a friend.
- When dad proves to the child that mom was unfair and wrong, he uses him as an arbiter.
- In both cases, parents assign the child the role of an adult - which means they load him with more responsibility that he does not need.
Sometimes one of the parents looks so unhappy and lost that the child begins to take care of him, making sure that he sleeps and eats. The child becomes a symbolic parent to mom or dad—roles are changed. There is no problem if the child cooks dinner from time to time. It’s bad if he feels that he must be a support for the parent and that the parent cannot cope without him. For a child, this is a heavy burden that can traumatize him and affect his entire future life.
In such a relationship, the child does not take care of his own life, but becomes a vest, a container for the parents’ worries. But it should be the other way around. Therefore, it would be correct to say to the child: “Yes, I’m sad and difficult now, but I can take care of both myself and you.”
