Deciding to divorce your husband is always difficult - perhaps it is even more difficult than deciding to get married. Until the very end, we are tormented by doubts and uncertainty about the correctness of the chosen decision. How do you know if divorce is the only option for your family? Is this easy from a legal point of view? You will find answers to these and other questions in the article.
How to understand that it’s time to divorce your husband: main signs
Signs that indicate the inevitability of divorce
:
- When you return home from work or a walk, you feel disappointed. It intensifies when it is discovered that the spouse is also at home. You are better off alone, without him. It's time to decide to divorce your husband if you are pleased by his absence from the same territory as you, for example, when he is on a business trip, or in any other absence. The solution is obvious if you feel relief in its absence.
- There are no common topics for conversation. We are not talking about the dizzying feeling that occurs in lovers when it is pleasant to even just be silent. The silence of estranged spouses has a different character, and you understand this. You try to hide behind household chores, surf the Internet, take work home - all this takes priority over communicating with your spouse.
- It's time to decide to divorce your husband if you don't know what's going on in his life and don't have much interest in it. The spouse shared with you all the details of the work, now you know about them in passing. He doesn't start a conversation, and you're okay with that.
- Sex is a rare guest in your marriage. In the first months of marriage, almost every conflict ended with a kiss and intimacy. Now such a development of events is impossible - resentment and misunderstanding are stronger than desire. Now the bed remains primarily a place to sleep. Or you started sleeping separately (this point in itself is not scary if there are no other “symptoms” that it’s time to decide to divorce your husband).
- One of the parties is having an affair. If this happens, you must immediately decide to divorce your husband. Do not justify the continued existence of marriage by children, long years of marriage, or familiar life. Relationships have become artificial, fragile, humiliating. Couples who delay divorce when cheating usually inevitably break up, regretting the lost time.
- Coarseness. If there is physical violence, you need to leave immediately, without hesitation. Psychological and financial violence is also difficult to bear. Does your husband insult your appearance and intellectual capabilities? It is impossible to be happy at the same time. Financial violence can include the demand for a detailed report if you bought bread for 2 rubles more than usual, and other absurd situations related to finances that cause you anxiety.
- No time for jokes. Even the most serious relationships will quickly become boring if there is no healthy humor in them. You are annoyed by your husband's jokes, he ignores yours, or you have stopped joking altogether - your marriage is in danger.
Not all problems can be solved by breaking up
Don't strive for a perfect relationship, it doesn't exist. Each person has his own trait, which sooner or later will provoke dissatisfaction with his other half. Let me give you this example: your husband helps with cooking, but doesn’t give any pleasant compliments at all, or he performs great in bed, but you will never get psychological support from him.
Having separated from such a partner, you have every chance of encountering both these and other annoying character traits in your new partner. You can give the following example: a new man will give compliments, give gifts, and always support, but he will not be able to satisfy a woman in bed. In other words, changing partners does not solve the essence of the problem. Don't make hasty conclusions; first decide what you want to achieve.
To divorce or not: advice from a psychologist
Situations, according to the psychologist, suggesting divorce:
Love has passed
Are you sure there is no more love in the relationship? Sexual relationships with your husband are a burden to you, and do you pronounce declarations of love, making a great effort on yourself? In rare cases, the situation can be normalized - this requires great efforts on both sides. Don't even want to make an effort? The union is doomed.
Husband is an alcoholic or drug addict
Marriage prospects depend on the stage of drunkenness and drug addiction, and the husband’s sincere desire to fight the problem. If everything is fine in the family, and problems began after the appearance of an addiction, and the husband is aware of this, give him a chance. If the situation worsens and the husband ignores the problem, making life together more and more unbearable, decide on a divorce.
Another one appeared
In such cases, the husband often leaves on his own. However, more often a man is content to “play on two fronts.” In this situation, he does not love either woman - he likes the feeling of adrenaline or the benefits that these connections give him. The decision to break up is the right one. Perhaps over time your relationship will be able to resume, but fighting for a man while being married to him is stupid and humiliating.
Parasite husband
If your husband doesn’t want to work, then you have to work for both. Gradually the situation will become more and more unbearable for you. Even if you earn enough, over time, respect for your husband will be lost - whether you like it or not. Marriage in such a situation is a heavy burden.
Tyrant husband
This is an undeniable reason for divorce. A tyrant husband means only one thing - you constantly suffer humiliation, moral or physical violence. Nothing justifies such a marriage. For many women it ended tragically, although they did not count on it.
Manipulation, scandals and other methods of influence
For many men, the very fact that a woman wants a divorce is a kind of humiliation. In addition, after a divorce, men experience no less torment than women. That is why they are ready to use any means to not let you go. Note that this does not necessarily mean that your spouse loves you. It’s just that his wounded pride demands that he leave first. If this is the case and you are determined to get a divorce, don't stop him. Be wiser!
However, it may also happen that a man will hold you back with insults. When we are offended, it is very difficult for us to calmly part with someone who has hurt us. We need to restore justice to the bitter end. Don't get caught! He can persuade you, reminding you of the importance of family in life, he can even use blackmail. This should not lead you astray. Gradually accustom your partner to the idea that you will not back down from your decision.
The most unpleasant thing you will have to endure is scandals in the family. But this too can be dealt with. The wonderful technique of M. Litvak - psychological aikido - will help you with this. The essence of the technique is very simple. You must find the strength within yourself not to respond to insult with insult, but simply to agree with what the offender tells you. At first this will drive your opponent into a stupor, and then simply deprive him of his strength. Without an emotional response, a kind of energy “feeding”, not a single aggressor will be able to offend you for a long time. It simply won't make sense.
Test: Should you divorce your spouse?
This simple test will help you determine whether you should get a divorce. Answer questions and count points.
Do you think your husband takes enough care of you?
Yes – 0 point; No – 1 point;
Does it happen that when spending time with your husband, you remain in a gloomy mood for a long time?
Yes – 1 point; No – 0 points;
Are you irritated by your husband's hobbies?
Yes – 1 point, No – 0 points;
Do you want your husband to talk to you more, talk about his past day?
Yes – 0 points; No – 1 point;
Do you think that almost all of your friends and acquaintances have better husbands than yours?
Yes – 1 point; No – 0 points;
Are you happy about your husband's success?
Yes – 0 point, No – 1 point;
Do you want to look attractive in front of your husband, for example, at home?
No – 1 point; Yes – 0 points;
Do you think your husband's job is more important than yours?
Yes - 0 points; No – 1 point;
In your opinion, does your husband pay enough attention to the children? If there are no children, do you think he will be a good father?
No – 1 point; Yes – 0 points;
Do you think that your life with your husband has improved compared to what it was before?
Yes – 0 points; No – 1 point;
Do you feel irritated with your husband on a daily basis?
Yes -1 point; No – 0 points;
Results:
0-3 points:
There are not as many problems in your marriage as you think. The results indicate that relationships can still be fought for. Try to think about how you can bring respect, love and other aspects of happy unions back into your marriage. Give your husband a chance.
4-7 points:
There are many problems in marriage, but if they have not been resolved for a long time, and you do not see the opportunity and desire of your husband to eliminate them, then this can lead to divorce.
8-11 points:
There is no point in continuing your life together. You need to separate at least for a while to look at marriage from a new angle. If problems are protracted, they are unlikely to be resolved. Don't waste time, it's time to move on separately from each other.
Divorce from your husband: where to start
The first step: an internal decision, a firm willingness to leave. Once you have made a decision, cast aside your doubts. Tell your spouse about your intention to divorce. Drop spontaneity. Think carefully about the upcoming conversation. If you are afraid of getting lost, write down your speech on a piece of paper and re-read it periodically. You can make an audio recording and listen. When you decide to start a conversation, be in a businesslike mood. Imagine that you are about to have a conversation with a business partner.
Conversation plan
:
- Introduction. Example: “Let’s talk about later life.”
- Descriptions of problems. Identify the reason that forces you to initiate a divorce.
- Bottom line. If the husband is able to solve the problems voiced, there is a chance to save the marriage. If it does not depend on him, then discuss the details of the divorce. Speak clearly and use compelling arguments.
Remember what you want, ignore manipulation.
Process duration
The period for dissolution of a marital union varies depending on the court (magistrate or district) and the subtleties of the case. But there are also deadlines for this process established by law. The application is considered within 5 days from the date of filing the claim. Next, a hearing date is set. The meeting is held no earlier than 30 days from the filing of the claim. This time is given to people to resolve conflicts and make peace. If the spouses do not appear at the hearing after this period, the court considers that they have decided to save the marriage and terminates the consideration of the case.
It is impossible to directly predict the duration of the divorce process in court. The law states that the judge must review the procedure within a reasonable time. Everything can be complicated by the need to divide property, the reluctance of one of the spouses to divorce, and other difficulties. Additionally, the judge sometimes assigns a conciliation period of 1-3 months.
Legal side of the issue
Is divorce inevitable? Be prepared for the fact that the divorce procedure may take a long time. Divorce will be easy if good relations remain, there is nothing to divide.
If there are children, only the court will divorce. Is the property divided without outside help? The court must determine the procedure for communication with the child and the issue of child support.
Have you come to a conclusion that is contrary to the family code? To avoid misunderstandings later, the court will record the agreement.
Divorces are conventionally divided into groups
:
- The couple has no claims on their acquired property and has no children.
- There are children, but there are no mutual claims.
- The couple cannot come to a mutual agreement.
General algorithm for applying to the registry office
If you are wondering where to start with a divorce by mutual desire and without common children, as well as disputes over property, you need to study the general algorithm.
- Pay the state fee through a bank or terminal and receive a receipt.
- Prepare the spouses’ passports and their copies, as well as a marriage certificate.
- When wondering where to start filing a divorce, both spouses should visit the registry office and draw up an application. If someone cannot appear, you must provide them with an application to sign. The received document must be certified by a notary.
- Wait 30 days and then go to the registry office to pick up your divorce certificate.
How to explain the situation to a child
Report the divorce with a clear belief that it is inevitable - after filing the application. Do not go into detail - give as much information as is enough to understand the situation. If the child is an adult, more explanations will be required.
Children under three years of age first evaluate intonation and emotions. The semantic content is still in the background. Parents, having stabilized the internal state, explain the situation to the child. Anxiety is unacceptable - it will be passed on to the child.
Older children need explanations. Children aged 3-6 years often take their parents' separation personally. Explain to the child that the relationship has changed between mom and dad - love for him is just as strong, and he did not influence the divorce, the decision was dictated by other factors.
It is important for both parents to participate in the conversation. Agree on a common position. The marriage relationship is over, but the presence of common children obliges us to build the necessary foundation of mutual respect and friendship. This is important for children. Example: “Dad needs to leave, but you will spend every weekend together,” “Dad will leave, but he will call every day.”
Focus on information that calms your child. Explain that meetings with dad will be regular, as well as communication by phone and Internet. Be truthful, talk about the conditions you are ready to fulfill.
