How to decide to divorce your husband - 7 steps to a bright future

Writer, translator, hedonist from Spain, which he talks about on the Telegram channel.

I am writing this material on the birthday of my daughter, who turned nine years old. She and I live in Barcelona, ​​and her Spanish dad lives in the USA, in Seattle. Today we called each other and congratulated each other on the holiday, remembered how happy we were when we were waiting for Lucia to appear, how in love we were with her and with each other when she was born, when she got her first tooth, when she ran along the Marbella embankment, when she first said: "I'm from Madrid!" We are dear to each other and support each other's decisions. We worry when one of us has a difficult moment. But four years ago our communication was filled with bitterness, rage, lust, disappointment and poisonous fire.

The divorce was his initiative. However, he had difficulty justifying this decision to himself and expected Italian scandals from my temperament. I loved my husband, but I clearly understood that if the child is healthy, I am healthy, and we have our own means - and not even for subsistence, but for a decent life - then I simply do not have the right to kill myself. Therefore, I held on with all my might and did not sort things out, did not blame and did not hide in any way, did not stop the process and did not limit communication with the child. All formalities are carried out through a family lawyer, all intentions are as peaceful as possible. Within six months, the text of our divorce agreement was ready and submitted for consideration.

It was more difficult when two years later he came again to ask for my hand and did it in front of the child, and I refused. After that episode, the balance was shaken for many months. It is very difficult to cope with the emotions of a child who wants mom and dad to be together.

All troubles are behind us. Now my ex-husband is grateful to me for our peaceful relationship. And I tell him because he is a great dad and explains physics and mathematics better than anyone else.

It's rarely easy. Both the initiator and the one who ends the marriage against his will will have to cross a long burning bridge. Running is dangerous, losing composure is unacceptable.

There are things that do not depend on you, and even with the most correct behavior will be beyond your sphere of control. In my experience, here are the main points that will help you survive this event with minimal losses for both parties.

Don't be greedy, but don't adjust either

Defend your interests calmly and fairly, do not be guided by resentment and revenge. Remember that life is long. This is the person you chose and loved. Some people never have a great love or a wedding in their life, but you still threw a bouquet and cut a white cake with one knife with this “insane”, “monster” or whatever you now call it in conversations with third parties.

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I need a divorce, where to start?

When wondering what the first steps should be in a divorce and where to start, you should follow these tips:

• First, determine the authority where you need to submit your application. This may be a registry office (that is, an administrative organization) or a court (magistrate or district, depending on the circumstances of the case).
• Then you need to file a statement or lawsuit.
• The next step is for the spouses to collect the required documents.
• Then the state duty must be paid.
• It is rational to familiarize yourself with the upcoming process of divorce, with possible pitfalls and difficulties.

It is worth clarifying the question of what comes first – divorce or division of property. Experts recommend separating these processes if there is no time. Division of property always requires more time and effort, especially if there are disputes. If you have a loan, it is also better to get a divorce through the court in order to equally divide debt obligations, as required by law.

Number one: action

The first thing you need to understand in such a situation is that you should not overreact when your wife tells you that she is unhappy. No matter how difficult it is, you must remain calm. It's okay if she knows you're upset and scared, but you need to control your emotions. It is true that people have a natural instinct to achieve their needs and desires, but in such situations where emotions run high, one cannot act instinctively.

Yelling, begging, throwing tantrums, calling names, retaliating, blaming and insulting are things you can't fix. This behavior will push your wife further away and will make you look pathetic in her eyes.

What should we do then?

Ultimately, you should be proud of your actions, not ashamed of them. Simply put, you have two options. Firstly, you may become angry and wallow in your own pity, and secondly, you may love your wife during this difficult time. Even if your wife is stubborn and doesn't respond, it's okay. Just because she's taken the light out of your marriage doesn't mean you can't shine as a couple yet. If you truly want to prevent divorce, you need to behave with dignity and commit yourself and your actions to saving your marriage.

Therefore, remember: you must control your emotions in order to look dignified and unshakable in front of her. This is generally one of the main principles when it comes to saving a marriage on the verge of divorce. Here you can read a few more tips that will definitely come in handy in a situation when your loved one is still nearby. Believe me, not all is lost!

Absence from court hearing

To delay the judge’s decision to end the marriage, you may not appear at court hearings. But to do this, it is necessary to present evidence of a valid reason why the defendant did not appear in the courtroom, for example, a certificate from the hospital or a document about a long business trip. The judge will set a hearing for another date.

Absence without a good reason will also delay the process, but not for long. After two hearings, the judge will divorce the spouses unilaterally.

There is another way to get a delay - to require the presence of witnesses. There must be good reasons for this that need to be argued. If witnesses do not appear, the judge will adjourn the hearing. This option will only work once, since the law does not require the presence of witnesses.

Another interesting option is filing a claim “in advance” and then repeatedly failing to appear. The fact is that if you appear in the case in the procedural status of a defendant, then your repeated failure to appear will become the basis for a divorce decision to be made in your absence. But if you are a plaintiff, then your absence will first lead to the postponement of the hearings, and then to the closure of the proceedings. The Law does not provide for any punishment for the plaintiff’s failure to appear one, two, or even three times; moreover, after the case is closed, you can immediately file a new statement of claim and resort to the same tactics. Postponing a divorce indefinitely using this method will not work - sooner or later, or the court will apply penalties to you for contempt of court (avoidance from attending meetings, recognized as malicious, can lead to just such consequences, and since specific criteria for malicious absenteeism are not spelled out in the Law, then it all depends on the patience of the judges considering the case), or a good lawyer will help the second spouse file a counterclaim and have it considered at the same time as yours, but it’s quite possible to win a few extra months this way.

Do not forget that you can appeal the decision to close court proceedings on your claim. Of course, the appellate court will confirm the validity of the judge’s verdict to dismiss the case due to your failure to appear - but this will allow you to extend the divorce for several more months.

Deadline for reconciliation

If one of the spouses does not strive to maintain the relationship, the law will not be able to prevent this. The defendant will only gain time, which the judge will have to think about the decision. The main thing is to convince the judge that family relationships can still be saved. The maximum period for reconciliation set by the court is up to three months. During this period, you can try to improve your family life. Although in most cases, a temporary delay only delays the divorce process. The couple will still be divorced if one party insists on it.

Goals of deferment

After the official dissolution of marriage, property relations between spouses are terminated. Therefore, there are cases when a spouse may, for selfish purposes, look for ways

How to prevent your wife from getting a divorce in court:

1. In order not to lose the right to inheritance if it is foreseen in the near future.
2. To gain time and gain an advantage in the matter of division of property. In this case, the second spouse should contact a good lawyer. He will help you defend your legal rights to common property.

What questions are asked

Most often, a representative of the law is asked standard questions:

Reason for ending the relationship?

Motives can be divided into the following groups:

1. Personal reasons: lack of affection, coldness in relationships, loss of feelings of mutual love (Article 1 of the RF IC indicates that a family is built on a feeling of mutual love).
2. Acute everyday problems: alcoholism, drug addiction of a spouse, beatings or other forms of violence against family members.
3. Disagreements in the financial sphere: the wife or husband has been without a job for a long time without trying to find one (at the same time he does not provide help with the children or in the house); expenses of one spouse only for themselves, which negatively affects family members; lack of material support in raising children (Article 89 of the RF IC).
4. Adultery.

If both parties agree to divorce, the reason for the divorce may not be indicated in the statement of claim.

Does the second spouse agree to give a divorce?

If the husband or wife does not agree to dissolve the family union, a period (usually 3 months) is set for making a final decision. If at the second meeting the parties do not change their positions, then the court recognizes that the further life of the spouses is impossible and the marriage is terminated (Article 22 of the RF IC).

Who will the children live with after the divorce?

It is traditionally customary for minor children to be left with their mother after a divorce, and the father pays alimony. However, certain circumstances may influence the decision:

• parents’ opinion (not all mothers want to raise their children);
• the wish of the child (a citizen over 10 years of age has a say in resolving this issue);
• family relationships;
• the financial status of each of the divorcing spouses;
• parents’ lifestyle (work, hobbies, etc.).

Amount and procedure for payment of alimony?

There are two ways to pay child support: a fixed amount or a percentage of the parent’s income (1/4 of the earnings are paid for one child) (Article 104 of the RF IC). The alimony obligation is paid monthly or one-time, indicating the payment interval.

Division of jointly acquired property?

A generally accepted practice is to divide the property of an established marriage into two equal shares in the absence of a marriage contract (Article 36 of the RF IC). Not only common property is broken into parts, but also debt obligations. If the partners come to an agreement, division is possible in other proportions, up to the complete transfer of property to only one spouse.

If a couple has a child, the process is complicated by the fact that the children’s property is not divided and the court must correctly determine what is due to each family member, based on the evidence presented (Article 38 of the RF IC).

In the absence of agreement between husband and wife, property disputes are resolved on the principle of adversarial proceedings (Article 12 of the Code of Civil Procedure of the Russian Federation). This means that the demands of the party that provides more significant evidence of its innocence will be satisfied.

Preventing family breakdown in the presence of children

If there are children in the family and the husband is a good father, then there is also a pressing question: is it possible not to give a divorce in this situation? If there are disagreements regarding financial support and living arrangements for children, the marriage will be dissolved only after the disputes are resolved. The judge's decision will be influenced by the facts and evidence presented. Emotional reasons will not be taken into account. In most cases, permission to live and raise a child is given to the mother. In some situations, the court may order the child to live with his father,

If:

• the mother leads an immoral lifestyle;
• is unable to support the child financially;
• There are no proper conditions for keeping children.

The court takes into account the rights of children first and foremost. But you shouldn't manipulate them. Spouses are given a period of time to think it over. During this time, it is better to find a compromise. After all, divorce is stressful for a vulnerable child’s psyche.

Methods of reconciliation

To avoid the dissolution of a marriage, drastic measures must be taken.

Mostly wives want to divorce for standard reasons:

• husband earns little;
• abuses alcohol;
• takes drugs;
• does not pay attention to family;
• there is interference of relatives in the personal lives of spouses;
• treason;
• sadism;
• lack of romance, gifts, compliments.

If a man wonders whether it is possible not to give a divorce to his wife, it means that he wants to save the family. There is not much time for reconciliation. We need to use these months as efficiently as possible - try to correct the situation and start the relationship from scratch. In any situation you need to fight for your family. It's better to try to do something than to sit idly by.

If circumstances do not change, then you will have to come to terms with the inevitability of a painful divorce procedure. If you are not sure that you can survive it without negative consequences, you should seek help from a psychologist and hire a good lawyer.

Reasons for disagreement

It is easy to destroy a family, but it is not always possible to build new relationships. Therefore, many people become afraid at the thought of having to separate from their spouse. Even when it is absolutely clear that the union cannot be saved, many try to save the marriage to the last.

There are often cases when living together is impossible. To annoy their other half, people are looking for all sorts of loopholes on how to prevent a divorce. A lawyer will help you find out all the details in which cases a divorce is not granted. You need to seek advice or study the information yourself.

Dissolution of the union through court

When a divorce involving division of property is carried out, where to start is a pressing question. Litigation is a necessity when there are children, mortgages or disputes over assets. To initiate the process you must:

• pay a state fee of 650 rubles through a bank terminal or directly at the bank;
• receive a receipt;
• go to court and file a statement;
• wait for the hearing date and the court decision.

Where does a divorce begin – with filing a claim. It must contain the following items:

• details of the court where the application is expected to be filed;
• data and contacts of both spouses (even if only one of them submits the application);
• a brief statement of the essence of the claim - it is enough to mention your desire to get a divorce due to an unsatisfactory family life;
• the following are all claims, including property claims, or claims regarding children;
• be sure to provide a list of the spouses’ property and other documents confirming the fairness of your position and the validity of your claims;
• Additionally, it must be stated that the spouses made an attempt to start over or peacefully resolve the conflict, but it was not successful.

If possible, the application states with whom the children will remain, who will provide for them, and whether alimony is needed, if necessary. You can also clarify exactly how the property is planned to be divided. If this information is not available, the judge will make a decision based on the Law and his own judgment, which may not satisfy the wishes of the spouses.

To file for divorce and know where to start, you need to keep in mind that the first step is to file a statement of claim. The following documents and their copies must be attached to it:

• receipt of state duty;
• marriage certificate;
• children's birth certificates (for joint offspring only);
• an extract from the housing office at the place of residence of one of the spouses (the defendant);
• certificate of husband’s income (if alimony is needed);
• a man’s statement of consent to dissolve the official union (if he agrees).

If you are wondering where to start with a divorce if there are children, then remember that such marriages are dissolved exclusively in court. In the case where there is a mortgage and a divorce is planned, where to start is also not difficult to guess - going to court is a necessary action, because there are property disputes.

How to keep your husband in the family

Women are less emotionally balanced than men. When it comes to divorcing their husband, they become hysterical and make many mistakes. If the threat of disintegration hangs over the family, you should calm down and not make rash decisions. A husband will never leave if comfort and a delicious dinner await him at home, and the woman he loves does not start throwing reproaches from the threshold. Feeling the support and care of a loved one, the partner will do everything possible to strengthen the family and create an ideal relationship.

How to avoid divorce from your husband:

• talk and discuss problems in calm tones;
• take into account the opinion of the head of the family, agree with his decisions and refuse constant criticism;
• support in difficult situations;
• stop scandals by moving the conversation to another topic if you see that your partner is irritated;
• forgive his shortcomings;
• be ready for sexual experiments.