A guest marriage is often called a union of two egoists. This is not a civil marriage, but an officially registered relationship.
But people don’t want to (or can’t) run a joint farm. A sort of “husband on Sundays” and “wife on holidays.”
No imposed responsibilities, no tedious arguments about who will wash the dishes or take out the trash. The couple does not risk getting bogged down in the bourgeois swamp and eternal strife.
But can guest relationships be called a real alternative to family?
Who needs a spouse who, in fact, is not the master of the house at all - he just sometimes spends the night there?
What does guest marriage mean?
Guest (extraterritorial) marriage is an officially registered relationship between a man and a woman that does not imply living together and running a household.
Spouses can, if desired and agreed upon, spend their free time together and go on vacation. The birth and raising of children in a guest marriage is not uncommon. In this case, younger children usually live with their mother, while older children do so if they wish.
estranged marriage retains the acuteness of feelings for a long time
From the mouths of ordinary people
There are also many ordinary Russian women who shared their stories and talked about the pros and cons of such relationships.
Valentina, 31 years old, in a guest marriage for 5 years
This is my first experience of a guest marriage. Usually my chosen ones wanted to live together, as they adhered to the traditional family model. But in the end the relationship did not last long. My current husband and I agreed on living separately.
We see each other often because we live in neighboring houses. We don’t have a clear schedule, so we see each other according to desire and mood. Sometimes we stay overnight at each other's houses. We spend one vacation in a place, and I spend one alone - this is my condition.
We do not have a general budget, and this is also my initiative. However, we can divide some expenses in half, for example, when we go on vacation to other countries. Parents and friends treat this union of ours absolutely normally.
For me, the main advantage of a guest marriage is personal space, which comes first for me. I believe that two people in one apartment is already a hostel, and I absolutely don’t want to negotiate with my husband about everyday details.
Anastasia, 45 years old, guest married for 15 years
Before this relationship, I was married twice, and both times we were a traditional family: with a common household and everyday problems. Therefore, with my current husband, who also had classic marriages behind him, we built things differently.
We both live outside the city and see each other very often - almost every day. The rest of the time we do our own thing. We also prefer to spend our holidays separately. Each of us has our own bedroom at home, so we don’t disturb each other at night and get enough sleep.
We don’t have children together, and we have separate budgets. He asks me for money, but sometimes he gives me small sums. We coordinate household purchases and buy them in half.
For me, there are more advantages than disadvantages in a guest marriage. I consider the main advantage to be the lack of obligations and strict boundaries, as well as the ability to do whatever you want at any time. In my case, there are no disadvantages of such a relationship, although most likely there would be if we had children together.
Alena, 27 years old, in a guest marriage for 1.5 years
My husband and I got married two years ago. Before marriage, we did not live together, only sometimes spent the night at each other's. Therefore, when we started living together, the grinding process began. I was terribly annoyed by the mess left by my husband, and he was infuriated by my pathological love of cleanliness.
Another problem was that we lived in a one-room apartment, and I was sorely lacking in personal space. Quarrels began to occur almost daily.
I began to think about divorce, although I really didn’t want to do this - after all, I love my husband. Guest marriage became our salvation. On weekdays we each live in our own house, and spend weekends together. During the week we also sometimes meet in the company of friends. Such relationships bring me real pleasure! The house is always clean and I can always be alone.
The budget is partially general. We transfer a certain amount to a common account, and spend the rest of the money at our own discretion. We spend the general money on recreation and entertainment.
I won’t lie, but it seems to me that my husband would like to live together. Perhaps we will return to the traditional family model when we decide to have a child, but at the moment I am happy with everything.
Psychologists note that living together is only recommended for those partners who really want it. In another case, living separately will bring more benefits. Spouses have time to be alone, but at the same time they know that they have a loved one with whom they can relax.
Guest marriage: psychology
Why do men and women who love each other refuse to live together and choose, in their opinion, a convenient guest marriage?
Spouses who:
- cannot tolerate each other in everyday life, they constantly quarrel over little things
- build a career in different cities or countries
- have negative experiences of living together in the past and are afraid of repeating the situation in a new marriage
- want to prolong romantic feelings and freshness of relationships
- have no desire to adapt to the other spouse, violating their own personal space
- have creative professions (artists, painters, writers, directors)
The most famous guest marriage of creative people is the union of actress Helena Bonham Carter and director Tim Burton. The couple have been living in neighboring houses for many years and are very happy with their situation.
Guest marriage: psychology
Star examples (+video)
Recently, guest marriage has become increasingly popular. The format of a relationship that does not involve living together seems quite attractive to many couples, because for most people personal space and the opportunity to be alone at any moment are very important.
There are many celebrities who practice this type of family. For example, the well-known Hollywood actress Gwyneth Peltorow said in one of her interviews that she does not always live with her husband Brad Falchuk . Tim Burton and his wife Helena Bonham lived for a long time in neighboring houses, which were connected by an underground tunnel. The relationship between Vincent Cassel and Monica Bellucci : the spouses lived in different countries for some time.
The most striking example of a guest marriage in Russia was the relationship between
Vladimir Vysotsky and Marina Vladi .
The woman lived in the French capital, and the legendary singer lived in Moscow. Their relationship, which cannot be called an ordinary romance, lasted 12 years and ended very sadly - the brilliant actor died. Films have been made about their incredible love and many books have been written. Russian singer Katie Topuria got married to her husband in 2013, and before that she dated him for four years. She also lived at a distance with her husband, which most likely became the reason for their recent separation. Currently, the ex-spouses are raising their daughter Olivia and continue to be friends.
The guest marriage was reminiscent of the relationship between Nikolai Baskov and Sophie Kalcheva . The spectacular brunette preferred to relax alone and did not want to share a common life with the natural blond, with whom she had been together for about three years. In 2021, the couple broke up, as Kolya proposed to his friend Victoria Lopyreva in the presence of Ramzan Kadyrov.
But there are also happy examples of guest marriages. For example, Elizaveta Boyarskaya and Maxim Matveev . The couple tries not to show their happiness, which is why for a long time fans considered their marriage an empty formality. Despite the fact that the musketeer’s daughter lives in the northern capital, and her husband lives in Moscow, they are successfully raising their common son and sometimes post photos together, and also spend holidays with their family.
Nikita and Tatyana Mikhalkov are living proof that a guest marriage can be long-term. The couple have been married for 44 years. Nikita Sergeevich is quietly engaged in creativity, and Tatyana Evgenievna is busy with her projects without haste. The couple celebrates holidays together and appears in society. By the way, the film director’s parents, writer Sergei Mikhalkov and his wife Natalya Konchalovskaya, also lived in a guest marriage for more than 50 years.
There are rumors that Anzhelika Varum and Leonid Agutin prefer to stay in different rooms when they travel. They have different apartments in Moscow. However, the couple did not openly declare this.
Guest marriage without children: pros and cons
It may seem that in most cases, guest marriage is chosen by men, because the advantages of such a free life are obvious to them. However, wives also often initiate the organization of guest marriages.
If there are no children in the family, the positive aspects of such a relationship for spouses are:
- independence and freedom
- lack of responsibilities in everyday life and quarrels on this basis
- dates only at a time convenient for both spouses
- just a pleasant time with your soulmate
- the acuity of feelings remains for a long time
Guest marriage also has serious disadvantages. This:
- difficulties arise in cases where one of the spouses needs financial support, is sick or does not have favorable social conditions
- relationships built on romantic experiences and sexual satisfaction quickly deteriorate if feelings “burn out”
- distance will win sooner or later, the feelings of the spouses will cool down, because Skype and phone calls cannot replace the joy of personal meetings and the comfort of a family hearth
- There is often jealousy in relationships
- if spouses are comfortable living in a guest marriage, perhaps they are not yet ready for a serious relationship
- in a guest marriage there is no emotional attachment between spouses
Guest marriage without children: pros and cons
To sum up...
A person who enters into a guest relationship can work on himself and completely convince himself of the correctness of his choice. This will give him a feeling of rightness, and there will be no internal discomfort. But somewhere deep down in their souls, such people still hope that the situation will change, because they will not be able to completely convince themselves that this is the norm.
All friends and acquaintances live with their wives and husbands, and it is impossible not to pay attention to this. In this case, each individual must decide for himself whether he agrees to live in this state for the next 20-30 years, while it still matters, or to begin, little by little, to cope with internal fears and change the situation.
Author: Victoria Ashurkova
Guest marriage with a child: pros and cons
The main disadvantages of a guest marriage with a child include:
- the maintenance and upbringing of children falls on the shoulders of one of the parents (usually the mother)
- lack of communication between children and the absent parent
- the visiting parent is not perceived by the children as a full-fledged member of the family
- children do not feel like they live in a complete family
- Children develop misconceptions about the family and the relationship between a man and a woman in marriage
Advantages of guest marriage with a child:
- the parent raising has more free time to devote to the child
- the visiting parent will be happy to spend time with the child, take him on walks, to classes, clubs, entertainment centers
- the child will grow up in a calm family where mutual understanding and love reign
- the child will not see the parents’ dissatisfaction with each other, domestic disputes and fatigue
Guest marriage with a child: pros and cons
Can temporary separation strengthen a marriage?5
Guest marriage can be useful as a form of relationship strengthening. The therapeutic value of separation in strengthening a marriage if it is done correctly for the right reasons and if there are clear agreements from the beginning. This separation can be done at any time, and, indeed, more and more couples are living this way. However, there is something “wrong” when couples live apart, and we usually view separation as something used primarily by couples who have reached their breaking point. They have usually tried various other interventions and tactics to get the marriage back on track, and now they are in a place where there is nothing left to do but separate, physically separate, and ultimately get divorced.
However, rather than achieving a goal, division can be a useful tool to maintain unity. This seems counterintuitive when the marriage is in trouble and the relationship is fragile. Most of us believe that when we feel our spouse is slipping away from us, we should merge more, be as close as possible, and do more “to make the marriage work.”
The thought of creating distance at a time like this instills a great fear of losing control over your spouse and your relationship. This option is especially difficult if the bond between you has been weakened by a betrayed trust. But if used carefully and skillfully (and usually with some professional support), this tool can be quite effective in bringing two people closer together.
How long can a guest marriage last?
A guest marriage, just like an ordinary one, can last only a short time, or it can unite two loving people forever. The duration of a guest marriage depends on many factors, the main of which are the feelings of the spouses for each other. If feelings have cooled down, and life has never connected, the marriage will fall apart.
How long can a guest marriage last?
How to convert a guest marriage into a traditional one?
Transitioning from a guest marriage to a traditional one can be challenging. It would seem that the relationship is documented, the feelings between the spouses only grow stronger over time, but at the same time the desire to live together does not appear in one of them.
Taking guest relations to a new level is only possible if both people strive to live together and run a household. When the spouses understand that they want to establish a common life together, raise children and equally share all the joys and hardships of family life, they will begin to live together.
If the transition from a guest marriage to a traditional one is the idea of one spouse and at the same time a “horrible dream” of the second, nothing good will come of such an undertaking. It is impossible to force an adult to fully participate in the life of his or her spouse.
The only thing you can do to try to create a traditional marriage is to talk to your spouse, clearly defining your desires and hopes. But you shouldn’t put pressure on your partner if he has completely different plans.
How to convert a guest marriage into a traditional one?
Who chooses guest relations? What factors influence the choice?
Initially, the phenomenon of guest marriage was popular among rich and busy people, whose work activities required frequent business trips to separate places. They were organizing family life in such a way that it did not interfere with building a career.
This format of relationships is especially widespread among celebrities, who can spend several months in other countries on tour or filming. It is normal for them to focus on creativity rather than family problems. This does not mean that in such families spouses do not care about each other. Partners love each other, however, most of the time they are each responsible for themselves.
Often, guest marriage is an alternative for categories of people who do not have their own home, who are traveling, or who temporarily do not have the opportunity to live together.
Today, older couples often choose guest marriage. Often people of retirement age do not want to change their habits and adapt to their partner. At the same time, there is deep affection between them and they want their union to be serious.
Psychologists believe that guest marriage is often resorted to by couples who are on the verge of breaking up, but want to try to save the marriage. An extraterritorial residence option provides an opportunity to look at the situation with a fresh look. The spouses either make a deliberate decision to reunite, or realize that further life together is impossible.
Sometimes one of the partners agrees to this family format in order to keep their other half. But psychologists are sure that such a decision is fraught with final separation. The spouse, who is burdened by life together, eventually feels freedom, forgets about responsibility, and the relationship goes into a pathological stage. During meetings, the party who dreams of saving the marriage tries to please his life partner, and he takes this for granted.
Most family psychologists note that modern ideas about the family have undergone significant changes. Previously, lovers played weddings at a fairly young age - up to 20 years. At the same time, the divorce process was quite complicated and caused public censure. Women felt defenseless without a husband, and after getting married they held on to him.
Today, most women are independent and many young ladies find marriage with its traditional responsibilities as a wife burdensome. More and more couples see marriage as an opportunity to enjoy time together, rather than being burdened with family responsibilities and problem solving.
Recently, there are more and more independent women. They are able to provide for themselves and their children without the financial help of a man. Many do not want to exchange their sense of independence for the status of a housewife who is immersed in cleaning, cooking and washing, while being financially dependent on a man. As a result, more and more women are speaking out against traditional families, because they do not want to take on responsibilities that would radically change the usual course of life.
Very often, people who have experienced a divorce from their parents are inclined towards guest marriage. Many people who get married were brought up in single-parent families and did not have a model of a happy family before their eyes, so they themselves do not strive to create one. On the contrary, fear of strong closeness and commitment appears in their heads. For them, a guest marriage is an excellent alternative to the traditional one. On the one hand, they have a family, but at the same time they do not feel trapped.
Another category of people who prefer guest marriage are couples who have already been in a traditional marriage, but have become disillusioned with it. This is a fairly common occurrence. Not seeing the advantages of classic cohabitation, but at the same time not wanting to remain single, a person gives preference to this format of relationship, considering it ideal.
A significant factor influencing the choice in favor of a guest marriage is children from previous relationships. Many parents do not want to traumatize their child’s psyche by living with a stranger.
Will guest marriage displace the traditional family?
Guest marriage is gradually becoming the norm. Forced to look for part-time work far from their hometown, husbands and wives leave home and go away while working. And so, when the loans are repaid, the children are educated and housing is purchased, the spouses begin life together again. However, by this time, the husband and wife are already so accustomed to independence and independence that living together turns into a real test for them.
Another model of a modern guest marriage looks like this: he is a middle-aged man who already has unsuccessful experiences in family life; she is a successful, wealthy, self-sufficient woman who is used to doing without outside help and solving problems on her own. Living together for such a couple may be problematic, but a guest marriage will give the spouses everything they need.
In Europe, guest marriage is very popular. More than 40% of European married couples have chosen such a relationship.
Of course, guest marriage will not be able to completely replace traditional relationships, but the fact that the number of guest couples is increasing every year is an indisputable fact.
Will guest marriage displace the traditional family?
Why is the classical form of marriage dominant now?
The more complex and multifaceted a person’s life became, the more everyday tasks fell on him. Gradually, people came to the conclusion that it was much easier for the two of them to cope, and even to share household responsibilities. After all, it is known: the fewer tasks you have, the better you understand them.
What about today?
Your house is cleaned by a robot vacuum cleaner, your laundry is done by a machine, you can get to work by subway, and anyone can “catch game” in the form of money, regardless of physical fitness and especially gender.
This is difficult to explain to those who were born in the USSR or survived in the 90s: then the family was truly the most “full-fledged” unit of society.
In fact, the real argument that forces people today to maintain classic relationships is that feelings require constant close contact.
I want a guest marriage: where can I meet?
For someone who is sure that traditional marriage has no place in his life, finding his other half is not at all as difficult as it might seem right away. All methods of dating are standard, from a chance meeting on the street to choosing a candidate on a dating site.
The most important thing is to indicate your position at the beginning of your acquaintance and find out how your chosen one feels about a guest marriage.
It is impossible to predict whether the guest marriage will be happy. If a man and woman love and respect each other, they will in any case be able to overcome life’s difficulties with dignity, even in an ordinary traditional marriage. At the same time, even the “lightweight” guest marriage model will not save partners who are not ready for a serious relationship.
Why do people form a guest union?
There are many reasons why a couple prefers this type of relationship. There are several of them:
- living situation (financial difficulties, as a result of which one of the partners is forced to leave for work for a long time and stay at home for a limited time);
- the impossibility of organizing a shared life (for people who value independence and personal space, it is problematic to share the same territory with a partner, to accept his habits and way of life. In this case, a guest marriage is formalized in order to preserve the relationship);
- examples in the environment (the presence of acquaintances or parents who have entered into this type of union and are satisfied with their marriage are a positive example that influences decision-making);
- experiment (in order to preserve relationships or add variety to family life, a couple decides to have a guest marriage, which allows them to make a final decision, or change something in their life, without losing their partner).
Important! The guest union is viewed favorably in Western countries, but in Russia this type of relationship is not usually considered a social norm. Women who are left with a child are subject to great public censure: a father living separately is perceived as a citizen who neglects his responsibilities in raising his common offspring. Women are classified as single mothers.
