According to Art. 1 of the Convention on the Rights of the Child of November 20, 1989, a child is considered a person who has not yet turned 18 years of age. Before reaching adulthood, parents, wherever they are and regardless of whether they are married, must take care of their children, educate them and support them financially. The provisions on parental responsibility for minor children are enshrined in Article 38 of the Constitution of the Russian Federation and directly in Articles 63,64,65 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation.
According to the law, adults can be held accountable for failure to fulfill parental responsibilities. Which one exactly – we’ll look at it in this publication.
Why this topic needs to be discussed
Since childhood, we have heard that parents need to be helped. This is perceived as an axiom that does not require any comprehension. However, there are no instructions on how to help and to what extent.
For example, some children at the age of 40 live with their mother and give her every penny of their salary, because she “dedicated her whole life to them.” Others quit their jobs to care for a sick parent and put an end to their financial well-being. They could hire someone with special education for this task. But the relative is categorical: if a child blames others for taking care of him, he is bad. Only help at the cost of your own life is suitable.
It also happens that parents in old age are cheerful, cheerful, work in good positions and earn more than their children. How can we help them then? What if mom or dad don’t want help, but the child knows better what they need? What if the children rush at the first bell, but it turns out that nothing happened, while such calls are heard several times a day?
In general, there are more questions than answers. Let's try to figure it out together with psychologists.
Responsibilities of minors
If these rights are acquired from birth, then the first additional responsibilities of a child under 18 years of age arise from the age of 6. Until this moment, there are only obligations of minor children to their parents. Responsibilities from age 6 include:
- obey parents, adoptive parents or guardians;
- receive general education;
- follow the rules established in schools, institutions, and on the street.
An increase in rights and responsibilities after the age of 14 leads to new responsibilities, including fulfilling labor requirements and the regulations of the educational institution, observing public rules, and not committing illegal actions.
The more a child begins to use the rights available to him, the more his responsibilities to other participants in the legal relations into which he enters increase.
The rights and responsibilities of a child who has reached the age of majority fully correspond to the status of an adult . An increase in the scope of rights corresponds to an increased number of requirements and full responsibility.
Are children obligated to help their parents?
Financially, yes. This is not a question of ethics and morality, but a requirement of the law of the RF IC, Article 87. Responsibilities of adult children to support their parents. In Russia, adult children are required to support their parents if they are disabled and need financial assistance. That is, we mean only disabled people and people of pre-retirement and retirement age (from 55 years old for women and from 60 years old for men). They can demand alimony through the court. At the meeting they will decide whether the parent has enough money to meet his life needs. And if not, then the child will have to transfer him a certain amount monthly. Which one will also be decided by the court. It is clear that we are talking about basic needs and the amounts of payments in any case will be small.
But human relations are regulated not only by laws, and assistance is not only material. Interaction with parents is a complex issue that should be considered from the point of view of each family's individual history.
Anna Kislitsyna
Psychotherapist Zigmund.Online.
Psychologically healthy relationships in a family are like the steps of a waterfall: from the older generation, water flows to the younger, saturating it so that it can pass on the resource further. This is a natural process, water cannot fall upward. So, frankly speaking, the child does not owe the parent anything - children are not born to owe something.
Another thing is that children can help their parents. How exactly is a separate question.
Alimony relations: what the law says
Alimony relations arise on a legislative basis and concern only relatives: parents, children, spouses, brothers, sisters, grandparents and grandchildren. Chapter V of the Family Code of the Russian Federation is devoted to the alimony obligations of family members.
The essence of this rule of law comes down to protecting the rights of disabled and needy citizens, who are, for example, minors, adult disabled children or students, elderly parents, spouses who need additional support for a number of reasons: pregnancy, child care, disability, pension .
The Constitution of the Russian Federation also has a rule according to which adult able-bodied children must take care of their disabled parents. Thus, alimony is a constitutional obligation for some and a right for other family members.
How to help parents to support and not harm
Help is often perceived as coming from a strong position: “If you need help, I will provide it on the terms I want.” And therefore, some children can, for example, forcibly declutter their parents’ apartment and throw out everything that seems unnecessary to them. Or force you to move and lose all social connections acquired at your usual place of residence.
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That is, adult children behave towards mom and dad like bad parents. They decide how it will supposedly be better for them, without being at all interested in their opinion. And if children have more resources, their actions can turn into violence. For example, this could be economic pressure: “I have the money for this, but you don’t. And if you don’t want to accept help in this form, then you won’t get any.”
But the parent is still a full-fledged, capable person. He has the right to live the life he wants, even if the child doesn’t like it. And help should not be a way of manipulation.
Tatyana Popova
Psychologist, Candidate of Psychological Sciences, Associate Professor of the Department of Psychotherapy and Psychological Counseling at the Moscow Institute of Psychoanalysis.
Help for parents should be built through communication. Talk and ask how they see support, what exactly they would like. Remember that first of all it is about love and attention, about care. Sometimes your parents' requests are just a signal that they are sad and want to see you. It can be difficult to admit that we miss someone, so we look for “good” reasons.
Be careful in your help. The circle of life is inexorable: first children need care, and then parents. This test is very difficult to pass, and for all participants. We are frightened by the old age and weakness of our parents. We are accustomed to the fact that they can always help and protect, but here we ourselves have to take responsibility for them. For parents, the issue of accepting their own weakness is also difficult. Realizing that you are becoming dependent on a child is very difficult.
According to psychologist Dmitry Sobolev, if healthy relationships are built between children and parents, there should be no problems. Parents let their children go, but at the same time they understand their role, their importance without constant confirmation. They realize that the child has his own life and this is wonderful. They understand that they can turn to him for help, and they do so. But at the same time, parents still have the desire to live their own lives. As a rule, such people work, interact with society, and have their own social circle. They are active, they have a lot of things to do.
Dmitry Sobolev
Family and personality psychologist.
If a child actively participates in the life of their parents and imposes help, they may get the impression that they are worthless and incompetent. This may offend them. Therefore, it is necessary to help upon request.
If it is not typical for parents to ask, it is worth explaining to them that they can turn to you for support. It is enough to do this once, and then observe in manual control mode. When children believe that their mother or father needs help, they can take the initiative and offer. And then the parents will decide whether to accept her or not.
It is important not to go too far, to give relatives autonomy, to preserve their legal capacity. By showering them with support, children begin to instill in them premature helplessness. And neither the children themselves nor the parents need this. How a person feels is how he lives.
Parents can be helped in a healthy interaction pattern by showing them that they themselves are important and meaningful to their children. You can ask them for advice, involve them in various family processes and affairs. This will help children more than a box of groceries.
But we are talking about healthy relationships. In them, the child makes efforts to make the parents' life easier because it makes him happy. This is another opportunity for him to spend time with his awesome mom and dad and get the positive feeling of being helpful. And parents, in turn, are happy to accept all possible help and attention, but do not make a tragedy if the children did not rush at the first call or solved the problem not personally, but with the involvement of specialists. But there are completely different patterns of relationships.
Cancellation of alimony payments: grounds
The statement of claim is considered by the court in the presence of both parties within one month. The judge carefully examines the circumstances of the case:
- financial situation of children;
- family circumstances and relationship characteristics;
- the needs of parents, their level of income;
- parents' right to receive child support.
The last point is extremely important, since failure to comply with it may become the basis for releasing children from child support payments.
The court may not satisfy the claim if the parents were deprived of parental rights or evaded fulfilling their responsibilities.
These facts require testimony or documentary evidence: bailiff orders, writs of execution, certificates of arrears in alimony payments.
From a moral point of view, resolving issues of mutual assistance and care in court looks absurd. However, with age, parents move into the category of unprotected citizens, and if for some reason the relationship with their children is far from ideal, going to court is the only legal way to protect oneself.
How to help if parents manipulate
A healthy relationship assumes that one gives birth to a child because one wants to have children. Parents have resources, and they are ready to spend them almost free of charge on a person who, sooner or later, will live his own life. In this theater they are more spectators than puppeteers.
But sometimes it happens differently. First, parents “kill their whole lives for their child,” and then they expect the same from him.
Dmitry Sobolev
Parents spent many years trying to raise their child. But adult children do not need permanent care; they go through life the way they want, and stop listening to mom and dad. And parents have formed certain behavioral models, habits, and a desire to participate in the fate of their children.
Some are humble, realizing that they gave birth and raised children so that they could live their own lives, and not be a “toy” for them. They easily let the child go free and accept that they are already participating in each other’s lives to a lesser extent than before.
Another category of parents cannot come to terms with their children growing up. Such mothers and fathers try to increase their own importance in the child’s life. They persistently tell him what to do. And when he does not use the recommendations, they are offended, blamed, shamed and manipulated.
But parents can also come from the other side: demonstrate their helplessness, ask for help over trifles. Someone demands help directly - again and again; someone creates situations so that children pay attention. This is how parents try to involve the child in their lives and maintain their social significance.
Some try to keep their children on a short leash at all costs. This is where legs grow, for example, stories of heart attacks every time the son gets ready to go on a date. After all, if he arranges his personal life, then his mother will cease to be the main woman for him.
It also happens that the parent is fully capable, can take care of himself and provide for himself financially. But he doesn’t want to do anything - why, if the child is obliged?
Anna Kislitsyna
This is the role of the victim: I will sit and suffer until you are consumed by guilt or shame and you come to save me. This relationship is toxic, and the adult parent chooses the role of the child based on some kind of traumatization. He is trying to compensate for his departed parents, does not know any other way of influence other than manipulation, and does not want to adapt to new living conditions.
Of course, this does not mean that such parents do not need help. Especially if they really need care. But, according to Dmitry Sobolev, in this case it is important for children to keep their eyes open. Only frameworks and boundaries built through reasonable, objective help and support will work here.
Dmitry Sobolev
You need to ask yourself the question: “Is my intervention really needed now?” The relationship model is unhealthy, there are distortions and breakdowns. There is a high risk that the child will become a servant. And at the same time, parents will feel absolutely good. They will have no idea that the situation is going wrong. But if we follow our parents’ lead, we make it worse for ourselves and for them. We are depriving them of their autonomy and by our actions we will accelerate the process of their aging.
Liability of minors
The rights of minor children and family law are additionally linked to their responsibilities, the violation of which leads to liability. Responsibility under the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation begins at the age of 14 for the following acts:
- murder;
- harm to health;
- violence;
- theft;
- extortion;
- vandalism, etc.
This is not a complete list of crimes. Usually a fine, compulsory or correctional labor, arrest, or less often a real prison term are imposed. The child’s age, living and upbringing conditions, reasons and motives for actions are taken into account.
Administrative liability begins after 16 years of age and includes a wide range of illegal acts that harm society, order, and other people.
These include antisocial offenses, hooliganism, and petty theft. Responsibility comes in the form of a fine or community service. Additionally, measures may be applied to legal representatives.
Taking into account age, the need for physical and psychological development, the law appropriately regulates the rights and responsibilities of minor children.
The rules of law are aimed at the favorable formation and full development of children, their protection from adverse effects. At the same time, the influence of environmental factors, strangers, or parents’ mistakes in upbringing can provoke children to make irreparable mistakes.
The legislation does not abolish the duties of minor children, but mitigates the punishment for the act.
Article 63 of the RF IC
Parents, taking into account the opinion of their children, are given the choice of an educational institution, as well as the form of education for their child to receive basic general education. This means that only parents have the right to decide where their child will receive an education (in a public or private educational institution, i.e. in a school, lyceum, gymnasium, college, etc.). It is only necessary that the form of education they choose corresponds to the unified state educational standard. Taking into account the child’s opinion means treating him with respect. However, parents have the right not to take into account the child’s point of view if it contradicts his own interests or cannot be realized for objective reasons.
FAMILY CODE - Chapter 12
1. Parents have the right and obligation to raise their children. Parents are responsible for the upbringing and development of their children. They are obliged to take care of the health, physical, mental, spiritual and moral development of their children. Parents have a priority right to raise their children over all other persons.2. Parents are obliged to ensure that their children receive basic general education and create conditions for them to receive secondary general education. Parents, taking into account the opinions of their children, have the right to choose an educational institution and the form of education for their children.
Arbitrage practice
In most cases, if legal requirements are met, children are awarded financial support from their parents. But usually the amount requested is much less. In such situations, the court takes into account not only the general situation of the parents, but also the financial and family situation of the children. If, by all indicators, the children cannot pay the amount of money requested by the parent, the court assigns the maximum possible financial support. In this case, both official and unofficial incomes of children are taken into account.
